Your Souls Belong to Science
by My God Can Beat Up Your God
Summary: In exchange for their immortal souls, Team Seven is granted the ability to hop between a multitude of parallel universes—some of which don't even have ninjas. Warning: Crack&Crossovers.
1. Chapter 0: A Brief Introduction

**WARNING!**  
This is a **crossover** fic, focusing on Naruto, with chapter-long cameos from various anime/video game series. No, I don't own Naruto/Portal/Inuyasha/YYH/Ouran/DBZ, etc. Being familiar with both fandoms (per related chapters) is nice but definitely isn't necessary. Feel free to skim on through to the next section if you absolutely have to (as opposed to skipping). Believe it or not, there is _some _linear coherency in here… somewhere_._

Previously titled '**Interdimensional Travel no Jutsu**!' and '**Goodbye Fourth Wall, and Welcome to GLaDOS, Inc**.' because I have title ADD. It will probably keep changing until someone yells at me to stop.

A/U from somewhere near the beginning of the Confining the Jinchūriki Arc. Yeah... in case crack readers happen to care about that sort of thing.

* * *

**Chapter 0: A Brief Introduction.**

Previously, on Naruto: Shippoden…

* * *

In a quaint little cottage situated in the outskirts of The Land of Sound, Tobi, Kabuto, Zetsu, Kisame and Uchiha Madara were hunched over a stack of world domination papers in preparation for the Fourth Shinobi World War when a conveniently placed flaming meteorite plummeted from the sky straight into their backyard. The ensuing explosion decimated everything within a 50 mile radius and left no survivors, much to the consternation of anarchists and Akatsuki fans everywhere.

Fortunately for Sasuke, the Akatsuki had a thing against people recovering from eye-replacement surgery and didn't see fit to invite him to their top-secret meeting. Instead he had been lying in an unevenly lumpy bed wishing he hadn't stabbed Karin through the chest as Jugo hand-fed and generally pampered him while Suigetsu moped in a corner.

Meanwhile, the Allied Shinobi forces were pleasantly surprised by their "victory." With nothing concrete to hold them together, the ensuing celebration had been cut short as the whole party promptly dissolved into in-fighting, and everyone went home before someone unwittingly started the next worldwide war.

Sasuke continued to wander through various countries with Team Taka and spent most of his time evading border patrol and concocting half-baked plans to destroy anything even remotely associated with Konoha's Councilors, including but not limited to any unsuspecting villagers who happened to look at him funny.

And so, our heroes found themselves with little to do, and returned to life as they knew it before some crazy Uchihas had attempted to destroy the world with tailed beasts.

* * *

**Somewhere in Sound...**

* * *

Sasuke had a lot of time to think.

There were only so many hours in a day you could spend flying through treetops, sparring with your annoyingly talkative teammate, and attempting to think up plans to destroy Konoha that didn't result in thoroughly getting your ass kicked by an entire shinobi army.

Sometimes he even forgot why he was doing it in the first place.

Oh, wait. Itachi. Uchiha compound slaughter. Traumatized childhood.

Still, organizing criminal activities wasn't his strong suit. It was a shame the Akatsuki had to go and _not _dodge a giant meteorite, but what can you do?  
**  
**He attempted to hold onto the idea that everyone in Konoha had to suffer and die simply for existing in blissful ignorance, but his dedication faded every time he tried explaining to someone how his conclusion even remotely made sense. Sasuke Uchiha did not particularly enjoy stuttering out sentences that included the phrases "deep hatred," "creature of darkness," and "the depths of despair." The last three people he explained his motives to had outright laughed at him. They were dead now, of course, but his hatred had cooled down to a nice simmer, and Sasuke decided that only Councilors Mitokado and Utatane absolutely needed to die. For now. In the meantime, Sasuke would still heatedly proclaim to anyone willing to listen that everyone in Konoha deserved to perish, but that was mostly because it made it easier to justify indiscriminately slaughtering anyone who got in his way.

In retrospect, indiscriminate slaughter wasn't his brightest move. Not too long ago Team Taka chased what they had _thought _was Councilor Koharu Utatane attending the premiere tour of Cirque de Lune in Yugakure. The peaceful and relatively defenseless tourist village hadn't stood a chance. Suigetsu had promptly dropped the whole "silent infiltration" act almost immediately upon arrival (when Sasuke later confronted him about it, Suigetsu had held up his hands and feigned ignorance, claiming he thought that's how they were doing things nowadays). Although they hadn't quite successfully assassinated the Councilor, Team Taka _had _managed to obliterate an entire section of the village.

When a haggard-looking boy of about seven tried jump-tackling Sasuke to the floor while threatening to kill him in the name of vengeance for his murdered family, Sasuke had briefly considered rethinking his current strategy. Or lack thereof.

He supposed destroying Konoha wasn't entirely necessary. Maybe they could come to some sort of an agreement? One that involved Councilors Mitokado and Utatane being hanged, quartered, and drawn, perhaps?  
**  
**"Sasuke, great news!" Suigetsu landed gracefully in front of him, looking smug. "Homura Mitokado's great-niece is turning seven this month, and he's planning on taking her to see Swan Lake. The ballet's currently touring in Fire Country in a civilian town, so we might end up with some casualties, but..."

"Fuck Konoha. Let's go."

Those slimy bastards were probably thinking up a dozen painfully inept ways to drag him back and lock him up in prison forever, anyway.

* * *

**Meanwhile, back in Konoha...**

* * *

"Two sevens," Sai carefully placed two cards down onto the table, making sure the deck was still neatly in line.

"I call bullshit."

Sai smiled blithely and flipped the cards over. Two sevens.

"Sai, you called two sevens the last three rounds. This isn't fair!" Sakura moaned in defeat, burying her face into her arms as Sai pushed the pile of cards towards her.

"You're not very good at this game, are you?" Sai said lightly. "Naruto, your move."

"This is so boring. Where the hell is Kakashi-sensei?! He was supposed to be here two hours ago!"

"Naruto, get up off of the floor and make your goddamn move. I am not going to lose to you and Sai at a game of Cheat."

"I could be sleeping," Naruto continued, tuning out both of his teammates. "I could be eating ramen. I could be sleeping _and _eating ramen."

Sakura sighed.

"Sakura..." Sai had pulled out their mission scroll and was staring at it intently. "I'm not listed here."

"What?" She grabbed the scroll from his hands. "That's ridiculous, I specifically requested... Oh, whatever. You're coming with us anyway."

"Ah..." Sai rose from the table. "Actually, you see..."

"Sai! This is _supposed_ to be a chance for us to all spend time together! You know, _bonding_. Don't you want to bond with me? Don't you?!"

He coughed lightly into his hand. "It certainly looks like a... challenging mission, ugly, but it appears that I'm not assigned with you this time, and I have other places to be." Sai regarded her seriously for a moment. "I believe that we've bonded quite well over the past couple of months as it is. I even have unique nicknames for both of you. What more do you want from me?"

Sakura rolled her eyes and shooed him off. The ex-ANBU didn't need to be given permission twice. Naruto was still lying on the floor next to the park table.

Mindful of the time, she began gathering up the playing cards. "Hey, cheer up. I'm sure Kakashi'll turn up any minute now. And it'll be fun! Really, you'll see!"

"Right... fun..."

"And..." she bit her lip. "Maybe we'll run into Sasuke! You'd like that, wouldn't you? I know how much you wanted to-"

Naruto's stomach growled. "Fuck Sasuke. Next time I see him, I'm dragging him back here in a body bag."

_Maybe we should get him something to eat before we leave_, Sakura thought.

* * *

**A/N:** Every author likes reviews. Fact. They make us feel all fuzzy inside and jump-start our inner muses. I try to review often and encourage others to do the same, because on the whole I feel it helps the community prosper. But there are lots of stories, some people genuinely don't have anything to say, and authors who consistently beg are annoying. So! Review if you are so inclined as it will be much appreciated, but otherwise, happy reading!


	2. Chapter I: The Space Between Spaces

**Chapter I: The Space Between Spaces**

* * *

"Naruto, is this _really _necessary?" Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Of course it is! Just look at him." He peered up the tree, eyes on the menacing looking feline perched high on its branches. "He needs us, Sakura!"

"I don't know, Naruto," Kakashi chipped in. "We're supposed to be on a mission..."

The chipper ninja was already halfway up the tree. "Yeah, some dumb C-rank scroll delivery mission. Seriously, Kakashi-sensei, what were you thinking?"

To be perfectly honest, Kakashi agreed with him. They normally didn't take missions this low ranking, but Sakura had bullied him into it, ranting about how they needed to spend some quality time being awesome together and relaxing in between the world-nearly-exploding-and-ending-as-we-know-it Shinobi world war fights.

"Gotcha!"

Three bite marks and a series of scratches later, Naruto was back safely on the floor and the cat had scrambled out of his arms as soon as they made impact. **  
**  
"You saved my dear Mr. Satan?" An extremely old woman was hobbling towards them. A large, tattered cloak engulfed her fragile form, and Sakura was worried she might keel over any moment.

The lady gave her toothless smile.

Sakura quirked an eyebrow in response. "You named your cat Mr. Satan? Who on earth _does _that?"**  
**  
The cat hissed and hunched over, preparing to pounce on Sakura. Fortunately, the old lady intervened, lunging towards him and giving the cat a rib-crunching hug.

"I'd like you to have this. To show my thanks." The woman pulled out a rusty looking amulet from the inside of her robe. "If you rub it three times, a genie will pop out and grant you three wishes."

Team Seven stared at her.

"Oh wait, that was my lamp. What was this again?"

"...It's an amulet."

"Right, yes! The amulet!" She shoved it into Naruto's hand. "This amulet gives the wearer the power of interdimensional travel."

"Inter-what?"

"The power to traverse between the worlds!" She shouted dramatically, raising her hand and pointing a finger into the air.

"Of course it does," Kakashi gifted the woman with a placating smile.

"How does it work?" Naruto asked. Turning the amulet over, he noticed an engraving on the back that said 'For main character use only. Copyright 2024. G,I.'

"Huh." The three ninjas eyed the object curiously. "Hey, what does this-" Naruto tried to ask the old woman, but she had vanished.

Sakura wrinkled her nose. "That was weird."

"I'm going to put it on!" Naruto declared, and proceeded to do just that.

There was a brilliant flash of light that blinded all three of them, and when it faded, the village was long gone.

The remnants of Team Seven were left standing in a vast open hall, with a slanted ceiling that was several stories high. Although the area appeared to be enclosed, their was grass underneath their feet, and quite farther along the path—at the center of the room—was an assortment of trees and a small pond. From the center, the enclosed area divided into four separate hallways, each lined with enormous doorways that had a uniquely decorated plate at the top of the frame. Above each of these doors was what appeared to be a large flat television.

Something was very, very wrong.

"Naruto," Kakashi remarked lightly, "I don't think we're in Konoha anymore."

Naruto was too busy gaping to say anything back, and Sakura was frozen in shock.

The older jounin cleared his throat. "Perhaps it would be best if you just.. took it off-" He was in the process of reaching towards Naruto's neck when a holographic woman in a matching dark blue vest and skirt materialized in front of them.

"Welcome, valued customers! We at GLaDOS, Inc. are delighted that you've chosen our product to guide you through your interdimensional travels. We hope that you're enjoying your new Amulet of Dimensional Transmutation." She pushed the frame of her glasses up. "As new customers, we encourage you to attend one of our weekly classes."

She waved her hand and a piece of paper floated towards Naruto. He snatched it up and the three shinobi bent over it curiously.

* * *

AMULET OF DIMENSIONAL TRANSMUTATION

Learn how to traverse through dimensions and experience the most out of your Amulet! Our classes take place weekly in our learning department, located on the southwest side of GLaDOS, Inc.'s main location! Please come and join us!

BEGINNERS - Mondays and Wednesdays, 9:30a and 12:30p

INTERMEDIATE - Tuesdays and Thursdays, 2p and 4p

ADVANCED - Fridays, 9a and 12p

* * *

"If you have any questions at any time, please feel free to call our toll free 1-800 number, or simply visit one of our many locations by slipping the amulet around your neck to speak with a portal associate in person," the holographic woman continued. "Please make yourselves comfortable. A portal associate will be arriving to assist you shortly."

The hologram vanished.

Behind where she had been standing stood Sasuke, looking extremely confused, mildly homicidal and very, very angry.

Kakashi, Sakura, and Naruto all gasped in unison.

Naruto's eyes widened. "SASUKE!"

"Naruto!" Sasuke responded viciously.

"Sasuke!"

"Sakura!" Sakura chimed in. Sasuke and Naruto both turned towards her in confusion.

"What?" She looked affronted. "I felt left out."

Kakashi whipped out Icha Icha and began reading. Obviously, the three of them had been ambushed and caught in some high-level genjutsu, probably courtesy of his ungrateful bastard of an ex-student. Best to just sit back and let Naruto handle this one.

The two students in question were still trying to outdo each other in a glaring match. Naruto thought about punching Sasuke in the face while Sasuke thought about punching Naruto in the stomach, but in the end the whole surrealness of the situation significantly dampened their thirst for violence and they instead opted to stand and stare at each other awkwardly.

"Aren't you going to try and capture me or something?" The Uchiha finally questioned.

Naruto shrugged halfheartedly. "I _guess _we could, but I'm not really sure where we even are..."

"As our holographic receptionist previously informed you, we are currently standing in the main hall of GLaDOS, Inc., the leading provider of devices facilitating interdimensional travel." A voice from behind Sakura announced.

It was a woman, wearing what looked like a flight attendant's outfit. She had bobbed, dark brown hair—crisply cut—and her outfit was neatly ironed. And pink."I am Amelia, a portal associate employed by GLaDOS, Inc. I'm here to assist you and answer any questions you may have regarding your newly purchased Amulet of Dimensional Transmutation."

The four of them stared at her.

"We really need to develop more interesting reactions," Sakura surmised. "This is going to get old fast."

Lightning began to crackle around Sasuke, and he curled his right hand into a fist. "Which one of you idiots brought me here?"

Unbeknownst to his old teammates, Sasuke had perfected the art of radiating killing intent when in reality all he felt was a general sense of apathy and ever-present boredom. He was a little miffed that someone got the jump on him, of course, but at least it was a change of scenery. And more importantly, Suigetsu was no where in sight.

It was the little things in life that kept him going. And revenge, of course, but that was a given.

Naruto eyed Sasuke warily. "Hey Amelia, uh..." He turned the amulet around his neck over. "What does this 'main characters only' part mean?"

"It means that only main characters are capable of traveling via our interdimensional gateways, due to technological limitations. It follows that everyone present fits this description," She said primly. "With more research, we hope to eventually expand the amulet's capabilities to include secondary and even tertiary characters."

"Oh. Okay. See, Sasuke? You're here because you're a main character," Naruto said. Whatever that was, anyway. "I think that means you're really important or something. And if you weren't really important, you wouldn't be here, so really you should be thanking us for letting you come along."

Kakashi paused his reading mid-sentence. Main characters? So this Amelia person was referring to their world as if it were a story? An easy enough concept for a proud booklover to grasp. Naruto, on the other hand...

He hummed lightly from behind his book. "Frankly, Sasuke, I'm surprised you're here at all, if that's the case. When was the last time you've done anything relevant?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"At best, you're a second rate antagonist—you know, the villain who's been systematically removed from the plot but has too many fans to be killed off, so the author keeps bringing him back as an occasional cameo."

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura gave him a warning look. "Sasuke-kun isn't a villain. He's... he's an anti-hero!"

"God, shut up! All of you just shut up! This is exactly why I'm never coming back to Konoha! Naruto alone is like being stuck in a room full of Suigetsus, and that's _without_ the shadow clone technique!"

"Sheesh, when did he get so touchy?" Naruto whispered to Sakura, who shrugged lightly in response.

Turning her attention back to Amelia, Sakura began, "So... This is like traveling between parallel universes, right?" She nudged Naruto's arm. "As in, worlds just like ours, except altered slightly? Like the one where Hinata was dressed like a hooker and Sasuke was a promiscuous flirt and Naruto was totally evil?!"

"Wait, what?" Sasuke twitched.

Naruto gave him a helpless look. "Don't look at me. I only saw the previews."

"Please refrain from breaking the fourth wall here," Amelia chided, and the blonde had the decency to blush. "And no. The universes in question are not alternate timelines of your own worlds. It's an entirely different line of business, and if you are interested in that sort of travel, I'd encourage you to visit Lain, Inc. instead."

"GLaDOS, Inc.'s main hall is situated in the space between worlds. As one satisfied customer described, it's 'the great shiny hall of interconnectedness.' Look." She gestured towards one of the many doors nearest to them. The plate above the door had a picture of a man in a red outfit pinned to a large tree.

"Each universe is an entirely separate entity, and each has their own unique set of properties, timelines and even laws of physics. The screen above—" she pointed towards the large flat television situated at the top of the door—"shows viewers a preview of the contents of each universe, following the situations of the main characters. Observe."  
**  
**The screen crackled for a moment, and then a video began playing.

"TWO WOMEN. ONE SOUL. TIED TOGETHER THROUGH THE STRINGS OF FATE."  
**  
**Team Seven watched, entranced, as the images flew by while a deep, soothing male voice that sounded suspiciously like Morgan Freeman narrated. Occasional snippets of dialogue could be heard:

"INUYASHA!"

"KAGOME!"

"WIND SCAR!"

"INUYASHA, SIT!"**  
**  
When the trailer ended, Team Seven sat back in awe (for the most part).

"That sword was so cool!" Naruto squealed. "I want one!"

"Is that _really _how reincarnation works?" Sasuke appeared unimpressed.

"Hey teme, that Naraku guy was like Orochimaru, only with spiders!"

"That's _stupid_. You're _stupid_."

"I want dog ears!" Sakura said dreamily.  
**  
**Amelia gestured for them to follow her, and the group continued down the hallway. Sakura stopped by momentarily to gawk at one of the previews. The plaque on the door had a large crescent moon, and the screen showed a pair of women in short sailor skirts dancing as their clothing sparkled and altered.

"Oooh," Sakura whispered. "That looks pretty."

Sasuke's face froze in a grimace. "No. Just no."

Sakura pouted, and the group continued walking. "So, how do we get out of here?" Naruto finally asked.

"To return to the same location and time you were at before arriving here, simply remove the amulet from your neck."

"Take it off, Naruto."

"What, no, Sasuke! We just got here!"

"Take it off or _I'll _take it off." Sasuke took a menacing step towards him.

"Relax a little, Sasuke. There's no rush," Kakashi looked thoughtful. "Come to think of it, you could probably get a lot of training done here."

Amelia shook her head. "Any progress in age or skill you make here will be completely reverted upon returning to your own world."  
**  
**As the group neared the small forest area at the center of the hall, they were surprised to find that they were not the only customers present. An additional portal associate in a matching uniform waved politely to Amelia, and gestured towards the four individuals standing behind her.

"Shannaro!" Sakura shouted. "Main characters ahoy!"

* * *

**A/N: **GLaDOS, Inc. is required to remind you that all readers will be baked, and then there will be cake.


	3. Chapter II: Hunter x Hunter

**Chapter II. Hunter x Hunter**

In which Naruto meets the cast of HxH and only manage to cover about half of the similarities between the two universes.

* * *

Standing behind the portal associate was an odd assortment of four individuals. The first two were a pair of what appeared to be 13-year-old boys. The one on the left had ridiculously spiky black hair and honey colored eyes, and was clad a brilliant green outfit with matching boots. The figure next to him had silver spiky hair, blue eyes and an intimidating expression on his face. He looked bored and was glaring at them haughtily.

The third figure—dressed in a dark blue business suit—was tall and muscular. His hair was black and crew cut, and a pair of small round spectacles sat perched on his nose. Finally, the last man had the prettiest blonde hair Sakura had ever seen on a man—it was medium length with the edges tapering out just below his chin. His eyes were black—which Sakura found odd—and he was wearing a blue tabard.

Upon spotting Team Seven, the boy with the spiky black hair rushed past the portal associate to greet them.

"Hi! My name's Gon! What's your name?"

"I'm Nar-" The self-proclaimed main character of Team Seven began to respond, but Gon continued talking over him. "Are you visitors here too? What world are you from? I'm from Whale Island and I'm a hunter! And this is Killua!" he pointed towards the boy with the silver hair. "Oh, the pretty one is Kurapika and the really tall one is Leorio."

A doorbell sounded, and the two portal associates looked up. "More customers!" Amelia beamed and turned to Naruto. "Sorry for the disturbance, but the two of us have business to attend to. We will return shortly. Please make yourselves at home." She gestured towards a set of armchairs that were situated next to the pond before turning abruptly and leaving.

Gon's group stared at Naruto's, and Naruto's stared back until Gon began chattering away at a dazed Naruto.

Kakashi, for his part, was pretending to read and musing silently to himself. An extraordinarily thorough genjutsu, to be sure, but... Oh, who was he kidding? He'd have to be ridiculously dense to still think this was an illusion. Unless…

Noticing Naruto and the new group still absorbed in discussion, Kakashi surreptitiously pulled Sakura to the side.

"Sakura. What would you say if I brought up the possibility that maybe the remaining Akatsuki members _weren't _blown to bits in a giant explosion, and that it was all an elaborate ploy – no, not a ploy, but the beginnings of a successfully enacted Eye of the Moon Plan?"

The kunoichi in question slowly blinked. "But then none of this would be real."

"Yes, exactly."

"And Naruto would probably be dead…"

Kakashi nodded in encouragement.

"Making this Naruto just an illusion…"

"_Everything _would be an illusion, Sakura."

The scowl on her face deepened. "But then why would Tobi and Madara create this place?" She gestured widely with both arms. "I mean, I know they're both batshit crazy, but this is a little much."

"Of course they're crazy. Who else would even think up something like that? And it makes sense."

"How does this even begin to make sense?"

"Well, for starters, we're both talking about the Eye of the Moon plan. Which, until a few moments ago, I didn't even know existed. And… get ready for this. Obito is Tobi." Kakashi shook his head in disappointment.

"Ah… huh?"

"See? That proves it. We have knowledge of information that hasn't yet been revealed to us, because we've unknowingly been caught in a world-wide genjutsu and forgotten events that might interfere with our idea of a perfect world."

"But then why are we remembering anything at all?"

"Maybe they didn't have the skill to pull it off completely. It's a minor detail, really. What I want to know is whose idea of a perfect world this is. It certainly isn't _mine_. Are we all caught up in our own separate illusions? And if that's the case, am I even real? Am I dream Kakashi? Are you dreaming me up right now, Sakura? Because I don't remember ever talking this much back in Konoha."

"Oooh, shiny," Sakura whispered.

"Ye- wait, shiny?"

Sakura was sneaking a glance at Kurapika and staring at the single, expensive ruby earring dangling from his ear.

"Right. Shiny." Kakashi sighed and returned his attention to Icha Icha.

Gon's tirade was still going. "-and I'm really not strong at all compared to Killua! He's amazing! He's super powerful and he's got these awesome hatsus called Lightning Fist and Thunderbolt and... Killua, show him!"

Killua smirked at Team Seven and raised both of his hands. A bolt of lightning shot out and danced between them.

Wait, _Lightning Fist_?

Sakura squinted closely at Killua, and then looked back at Kakashi. Reading again. How typical.

The resemblance between the two was striking. A few months ago, Sakura had spotted a picture of Kakashi's old genin squad once after barging into his apartment late one afternoon. He had been over four hours late for a training session and Sakura had been PMSing at the time. Kakashi had shown up at the training grounds only moments after Sakura had taken it upon herself to break in and invade his personal space and he had _not _been happy when Sai had tattled on her.

Awkward, but at least now she knew how adorably stuffy Kakashi looked as a child, and Killua could very well have been his clone. The eyes were the wrong color, but the ridiculous hair, careless posture and conceited disposition...

Sakura leaned over to whisper in Kakashi's ear. "Say Kakashi, you use protection, right?"

"Wh-what?!"

"I mean, there's no chance that you maybe impregnated some poor helpless woman as a teenager, who, upon finding out that she was with child, ran off to raise it alone and then bam! Fourteen years later there's a knock on your door and outside there's a smarmy little brat with white hair and access to lightning-style jutsu-"  
_  
"_Sakura, what? No."

"No you don't use protection?" Her eyes widened.

"No, I-! Wait, yes, yes I _do _use protection-" Kakashi floundered helplessly. Boy, for someone who read porn in public, he sure was easy to tease sometimes.

"Whew. Okay. Just checking." She pat him on the shoulder reassuringly. "It's a bit of a shame, though."

Kakashi tried desperately to drown out horrifying idea of running into a long lost son by shoving his nose farther into Icha Icha, but it only half worked.

Meanwhile, Naruto asked the group how they had ended up at GLaDOS, Inc., and Gon started rambling about following a map that supposedly lead to sunken treasure. At Naruto's confused expression, Gon smiled and pulled out his own amulet. "I'm a treasure hunter. I hunt for treasure." He shrugged. "It's what I do. Well, when I'm not fighting or playing video games."

"That's all really cool and stuff, but aren't you guys a little... ah..." Naruto trailed off.

"Scared shitless?" Killua volunteered.

"Yeah, that!"

Killua shrugged noncommittally. "Oh, we've been here for a while. You're the third group we've run into." He briefly glanced at each member of Team Seven. "Pretty unimpressive to boot. Earlier, there were these ridiculously muscular guys with crazy hair who could _fly_ and shoot laser beams out of their hands. It was awesome!"

Realizing that their portal associate guides did not appear to be coming back any time soon, Leorio, sick of being completely ignored by everyone, walked over to the park benches and threw himself dramatically onto it. Kakashi opted to lean against one of the nearby trees, and Sasuke refused to move from his starting position. Naruto and Gon continued to talk blithely on about techniques until Sakura finally worked up the courage to approach Kurapika, who she had been eyeing nearly the entire time.

"So, what's your world like?"

Kurapika cleared his throat as if preparing for a long speech. Sakura instantly recognized the gesture.

"I knew it!" she squealed.

"What?"

"You're the expert on pointlessly long narration," Sakura declared. "I had the top grades at the academy, you know, and I've memorized every single rule in the ninja guidebook. My sensei always leaves it to me to give the convoluted explanations." She beamed up at him.

Kurapika, having no idea what she was taking about, smiled. "We recognized the four of you before meeting, you know. You're from Konoha, correct?"

"Yes, fire country!"

Kurapika nodded to himself. "We passed by your world's door earlier. I remember it specifically because Gon kept asking why everyone and their mother was a ninja."

Sakura frowned, and Kurapika continued speaking. "Our world is.. similar to yours, although our continents are spread out and divided between large bodies of water. Most of the technology available to villages is rudimentary. We have computers, but access to information is mostly limited to those with hunter's licenses."

"Hunters?" Sakura blinked.

"Yes. Hunters are members of a global organization called the Hunter Association. We're elite members of society, skilled in many areas, including combat and tracking. A hunter has access to numerous perks, including the free use of almost all public facilities, free travel and the ability to essentially get away with murder consequence free."

"So they're basically like shinobi," Sakura wagered.

"Basically," Kurapika agreed. "Many hunters spend most of their time taking odd jobs and contracts in search of money. We're not loyal to villages or soldiers. And if you lose your hunter's license, there's absolutely no proof that you're actually a hunter and you can never take missions or get free stuff ever again."

"What?! So it's like if I lost my hitai-ate,"—she tapped her leaf forehead band—"and it somehow made me not a ninja?"

"Yes."

"That's crazy talk right there."

"Oh, and we can use nen, which is life energy that an awakened hunter is capable of harnessing."

"So it's your world's chakra."

"Pretty much. Once you learn how to access it, you can mold it into different forms. But no person's nen is exactly the same," he continued. "There are six different types of auras: enhancing, transmuting, conjuring, emitting, manipulating, and specializing. A person can find out what type of aura they have through water divination."

"Water divination?"

"It involves floating a leaf on top of a cup of water. When a student places their hands around the cup and focuses their aura, different effects will occur. For example, if the leaf moves on the water, a nen user's aura is manipulation, and if the color of the water changes, they are an emitter."

"Okay, this is all sounding disturbingly familiar now. KAKASHI!" Sakura screamed.

"I'm right here! Please stop yelling!" The silver-haired jounin seemed worn out, and Sakura noted that Icha Icha had been discarded and returned to his pocket.

"Kurapika's nen is a total rip-off of chakra!"

"Well, actually..."

Kakashi sighed, thankful he had been listening in. "We're from separate universes, Sakura. Nen probably has entirely unique properties. Plus, chakra has element affinities, not aura types. It's totally different."

Sakura sulked. "Whatever. So how do you become a hunter then, Kurapika?"

"A person interested in becoming a hunter must take part in the annual Hunter Exam. It's an extremely grueling and difficult challenge that most candidates fail. Many do not even make it to the examination site and candidates often take the exam several times before passing, if they pass at all. Although the test is different every year, there are generally five or six phases that must be completed, all of which test your potential abilities, including the use of logic, endurance, quick thinking..."

Kurapika paused. "For example, the fourth phase of the hunter exam I took part in was located in a forest. Each contestant had a badge with a number on it, and the goal was to capture the badge of another contestant's. Contestants could only pass the phase if they had six points total: their own badge was worth 3 points, and their target badge was worth 3 points, so at minimum, half of the contestants were eliminated by the end of the round."

"If you lost your target number, you could collect 3 non-target contestants number for 1 point each make up for it..." the blonde continued speaking, but Sakura had stopped listening.

"OH GOD, It's like the forest of death all over again! Kakashi, make it stop, make it stop! I can't take all these suspicious parallels!"

At that point, Sakura became inconsolable and started spouting off conspiracy theories until Sasuke walked over and knocked her out with his Sharingan.

* * *

When she came to, she found the others sprawled out on a blanket and eating a picnic lunch.

The portal associates had returned bearing gifts of food and informed everyone that new clients had arrived and required immediate assistance, and to feel free to explore the area.

Both groups were moments away from demanding that their respective leaders remove the amulets so that they could go home until Killua tried the cookies and declared them delicious, and Naruto noticed the ramen. (At that point, everyone just shrugged and began eating).

Sakura noticed Sasuke attempting to engage Kurapika in a heated staring contest, which was so far unsuccessful. Kurapika was eating daintily and answering all of the ridiculous questions Naruto threw at him through mouthfuls of ramen.

"Nice to see you're awake, Sakura! We filled them in on everything while you were napping!" Naruto said happily.

"Napping, is that what they're calling it now?" Sakura glared at Sasuke, who pretended not to hear her.

She grabbed a muffin and stuffed it in her mouth. "Well, I'm all better now. Where were we, Kurapika?"

"I think we were just about finished."

"Oh," she blinked. "I haven't told you about Fire Country yet, though."

"No need, Naruto already told us everything. In great detail. Over the past fours." He sighed.  
"Thank God it's over."

Sakura pouted and took another bite of her muffin, staring at him shamelessly. Kurapika was really quite pretty. Kind of like Sasuke, if Sasuke had blonde hair and wasn't a giant asshole. She looked at the Uchiha out of the corner of her eye as he sipped his tea as regally as he could manage from his cross-legged position on the picnic blanket. Last time she saw him, he was trying to kill her. "This is just weird."

Sakura turned back to Kurapika. "You have really delicate features."

Sasuke snorted into his tea, and Sakura gave him an irritated look.

"So..." she blushed a bit and scooted closer to Kurapika, "Why did you become a Hunter? What was your life like?"

Kurapika closed his eyes, a serious expression on his face. "I'm on a quest to seek vengeance on behalf of my murdered clan, who were slaughtered by the Genei Ryoden—a band of incredibly powerful, high class criminal nen users—in order to harvest our unique eyes, which happen to turn a brilliant shade of red under certain circumstances," he pointed towards his eyes. "It's why I wear black contacts."

"Okay, I'm experiencing yet another case of déjà vu, and I haven't been awake for even ten minutes yet. You didn't happen to betray your friends and try to kill them in pursuit of revenge, did you?"

"No. In fact, I temporarily gave up my chance at vengeance in order to rescue my companions. My vengeance was not worth the deaths of those I care about. The Kurta Clan wouldn't want that for me."

"Oh." She paused. "Hey Naruto!"

"Oye! Sakura! Msmh?" He took another giant bite of ramen.

"I'm going to ask Amelia if we can trade Sasuke-kun for Kurapika. You're cool with that, right?"

"Um..."

"No, we're not cool with that!" Sasuke hissed.

"Oh, whatever. I wasn't asking you anyway."

Kakashi, noticing the tension rise, tried changing the subject. "So.. you're the… main _characters_."

"Yes, of course. It's why we're here," Leorio responded. He had dragged one of the arm chairs over and was reclining on it while eating.

"But the main-main character is that guy, yeah?" He pointed towards Gon, who grinned up at him in between bites of his sandwich.

"Yup, yup!"

"And that makes ME the main character of our universe!?" Naruto asked excitedly.

"Don't be ridiculous," Sasuke said.

"That's so cool! So Gon is like the equivalent of me!"

Gon gave Naruto a thumbs up, and Kurapika said, "Sure."

"He doesn't have parents and is super happy and inspires the loyalty of countless people?"

"Yes, that's an accurate description of him."

"And he has a demon trapped inside of him and he's gonna be Hokage someday?!"

"Uh..."

"And he has access to a limitless supply of chakra—or nen, or whatever you call it?!"

"Well," Kurapika considered this, "He's really good at being punched in the face repeatedly."

Team Seven responded with four very blank looks.

"No, seriously!" Leorio chimed in. "He's like some kind of stamina king. You punch him and punch him and he just won't fall—okay, okay, he does fall down, but he keeps getting back up. He's so good at it that it causes all of his rivals to forfeit out of confusion."

"Why wouldn't they just kill him?" Sasuke looked genuinely confused.

"WHAT, KILL AN ADORABLE 12 YEAR OLD?! What's wrong with you?! _Especially _after you've spent hours punching him in the face. You just _feel _bad. Everyone can't help but surrender."

"Right..." Kakashi scratched the back of us head.

"What about you, Leorio? You've barely said anything since we met up!" Naruto said.

The tall, well-dressed man looked at him sheepishly. "I'm basically the Kuwabara of this story."

"The who?"

"Uh, never mind. What I meant was that I'm the getaway driver."

"Nice analogy," Sasuke smirked.

"No, I mean I'm _literally _the designated driver. You know, the guy behind the wheel who shuttles the main characters around from plot point to plot point."

The rest of them ate in silence for a few moments before Kakashi slowly responded. "I see... Do you do anything else?"

"Um, aside from being the obligatory short-tempered, volatile member of the group... Well... I'm studying to be a doctor and I essentially contribute nothing to the story. I mostly stand around watching other people be epic, and I make Kurapika, Gon, and Killua seem completely badass by comparison." Leorio said as-a-matter-of-factly. "Come to think of it, I guess I'm the equivalent of Sakura."

"Ouch."

"That was a low blow, Leorio."

Finished eating, Kakashi pulled out Icha Icha, and Kurapika's eyes locked onto the book as he noticed it for the first time.

"What are you reading?" he asked, looking over the jonin's shoulder.

A moment later, Kurapika turned away in disgust. "This is disgusting!"

"It's art." Kakashi sniffed.

"Trust me," Sakura walked over and whispered to Kurapika, "He's not nearly as bad as the late Jiraiya." A bit louder, she asked, "So who's the designated pervert in your group?"

Leorio immediately raised his hand.

"No shame..." she shook her head in disgust.

"So.. can I have a look?" Leorio edged towards Kakashi, who proceeded to tuck the book back into his back pocket possessively.

"Your team is led by _this _perverted old man?" Killua stood up, crossing his arms and looking smug. "Even his hair is dumb looking. And what's with the mask? Are you so ugly that you're ashamed to show your face or something?"

Kakashi's only visible eye twitched, and Sakura thought, "_Oh boy, here we go."_

Five minutes later, Kakashi and Killua were engaged in an animated debate over who was more awesome—and who had the most tragic backstory. Considering Kakashi's long-standing rivalry with Guy-sensei, Sakura wasn't really surprised.

"_My _electrical hatsu technique Lightning Palm normally would take years and years for someone to master, but I honed my abilities before hitting puberty."

"And _I _developed my electric-type chidori jutsu by age 13."

"So? I have a technique called Whirlwind that lets me sense the movements of my opponents and react accordingly."

"_I _have the sharingan eye, which lets me do the same exact thing!"

"Well, I was fighting grown men at Heaven's Arena when I was six years old."

"_I _became a chunin at age six and a jounin at age thirteen."

"I became a hunter at age thirteen, and that's basically the equivalent of a jounin ninja! AND I can blend into the shadows and become completely invisible. Beat that."

"I've copied over 1000 techniques with my sharingan eye," Kakashi didn't bat an eyelash.

Killua quickly countered, "I come from an elite family of famous assassins. "

"My dad was Konoha's White Fang, one of the most elite and powerful ninjas in all of Konoha."

"I've been tortured since birth through shock therapy."

"I saw my dad kill himself—well, I found his body—when he fell from grace for failing a mission."

"Oh yeah, I _failed _my first hunter exam, even though I was superior to the majority of the other contestants."

"I failed my first mission as a jounin and caused one of my teammates to get killed."

Killua huffed. "I'm ridiculously fast."

"So am I."

"I can rip out a man's heart with my bare hands," Killua claimed smugly.

"I can punch straight through someone's chest, killing them instantly, with my chidori. And I could probably rip out their heart with it too, but I haven't actually tried to because that's disgusting," Kakashi grimaced.

"I can push open 64 ton doors and throw around boulders four times the size of me."

Kakashi stared at Killua for a second. He had him beat there. "I can.. climb a tree?"

"Oh yeah? Well, I can- Wait, what?"

The masked ninja proceeded to focus his chakra and walk up the tree in front of them.

"Wow!" Killua exclaimed.

"I can also walk on water," Kakashi informed him.

"Can you teach me how to do that?"

"Sure, why not?"

Kakashi and Killua walked off towards the pond, with the former launching into a detailed explanation of chakra control and hoping that it would work with a nen user.

Sakura rolled her eyes as she watched them. "Well, at least he's not arguing with a 13 year old boy anymore. Right, guys?"

Nobody responded. "Right?"

"Where'd they-" She caught sight of Sasuke and Kurapika standing some ways away, partially blocked by a large tree and also engaged in a heated argument.

"Oh for the love of..." she stormed over to them.

"As I was saying," she heard Kurapika say, "My nen-type is conjuration, but when my eyes turn red, I become a specialist. It allows me to use all nen-types at 100%. I have access to a variety of techniques, including enhanced regeneration, superior strength, defense... and the Sharingan does _what_, exactly?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, but answered, "It allows me to copy any technique instantly, and see the movements of my enemies before they—Shut up! It's nothing like your dumb specialist nen-type! "

"Yeah, okay. I didn't say anything."

"The Uchiha clan's bloodline ability is far more powerful than whatever specialist ability the Kurta clan's eyes gave you."

Kurapika looked skeptical. "I can put limitations on people. If I wanted to, I could tell you to never use chakra again, and if you broke the rule, invisible conjured chains would wrap around your heart and crush it to death."

Sasuke scoffed. "No, you couldn't. You just told me that you took a vow to only use your specialist powers on some criminal organization."

"The Genei Ryoden," he interjected.

"Whatever. That's the only reason you're so powerful in the first place. _I_ can use the Sharingan on anyone I want. So what does that make me, huh?"

"A horribly broken character who's slowly going blind?" Kurapika supplied.

"Not anymore. New eyes," Sasuke glared. "You _do _realize that all the Ryoden has to do is hire someone unaffiliated to take you out, right? You're completely helpless otherwise. Pretty stupid move, if you ask me."

"_You're _talking to _me_ about stupid moves? Naruto told us all about Orochimaru and your brother and your botched attempts at taking out Konoha-"

Sasuke's sharingan was activated and he was on the verge of interrupting when Sakura cut them both off. "Okay, okay, break it up. Enough of this macho-bullshit, I'm sick and tired of being the only one here who isn't competing over who has the largest ego."

"Hey, why does your Amulet look bigger than mine?" she heard Naruto whine. "And it's shinier too!"

Sakura covered her face with her hands and moaned.

"Really, do you think?" Gon looked at him innocently. "If you want, we can trade! I don't mind."

He reached around to slip the amulet off of his neck, and the instant he did, Gon and his three companions vanished.

"Blonde idiot got lucky," Sasuke grumbled and deactivated his bloodline ability as the others stared at him oddly. "What? I wasn't talking about _you_, Naruto, but I will be if you keep looking at me like that."

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you for reading! Go check out HxH! It's pretty snazzy! Wave goodbye to the adorably less main-stream cast, for they will be sorely missed.


	4. Chapter III: Intermission

**Chapter III.  
**  
In which Sakura presses a wrong button, and the rest of Team Seven falls madly in love with her.

* * *

After the abrupt departure of the cast of HunterxHunter, Team Seven was left standing awkwardly in the park area, wondering if they should clean up the remains of their picnic or if GLaDOS, Inc. employed designated custodial workers to take care of that sort of thing. Sasuke was about to demand that Naruto take off the amulet again when he was rudely interrupted by the sound of a newly familiar voice screaming at the top of his lungs.

"GET AWAY FROM KAGOME, YOU DISGUSTING HAG! YOU'LL GET THE SHIKON SHARDS OVER MY DEAD BODY!"

"Inuyasha, she's not a demon! She's a tour guide!"

"WE WON'T LET YOU HAVE THEM! IRON REAVER SOUL-"

"Inuyasha! Sit, boy!"

There was a loud crash, followed by a long stream of expletives.

Sakura's eyes widened. "It's Inuyasha! Puppy ears!" she squealed girlishly, dashing out of the park and down one of the halls.

The male portion of Team Seven stared dumbly after her before Naruto shouted, "Wait for me, Sakura-chan!" and sprinted to catch up.

Kakashi sighed heavily, secretly disappointed that he hadn't gotten the chance to teach more moves to Killua (and wondering if his previously non-existent paternal side was coming out). "Ah, well. Come on, Sasuke. It'd be a shame to miss Naruto challenge Inuyasha to a duel."

Sasuke, momentarily resigned to his fate, followed quietly behind him.

After catching up to Sakura, the three men found her standing in the middle of the hall looking confused and forlorn.

"I don't know where they went! Dammit, I was this close to _fondling- _I mean, meeting Inuyasha." Sakura pouted. "I could have sworn... hey, what's this?" She had happened to stop near an unobtrusive-looking door with a large "EMPLOYEES ONLY - DO NOT ENTER" sign.

As Naruto looked at the sign, his entire face lit up in excitement. "Do not enter? Sweet!" He yanked open the handle and catapulted himself into the room.

"Naruto, don't!" Sakura hissed, but followed him in without hesitating. (Kakashi and Sasuke pretended to not notice the obvious hypocrisy).

"Whoa..." There was a huge desk lining the back wall with various buttons and control panels. Multiple television screens were playing streams from the security cameras positioned throughout the halls of the company building.

"Hey, maybe we can find Inuyasha with these!" Sakura brightened as Naruto nodded in agreement, not really listening but eager to start pressing buttons.

Sakura spent a few moments studiously reading the fine print before giving up and settling for the control panel nearest to her.

"Hey, what's a Mary Sue?"

"Eh?" Kakashi was peering at the print over her shoulder.

* * *

MODE: MARY SUE

Underneath were various switches:

SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE SYNDROME  
GOD MODE  
SO BEAUTIFUL, IT'S A CURSE  
WISH FULFILLMENT

* * *

"Interesting..." Kakashi mused. "This might not be a good idea. Maybe we should-"

"You're such a buzzkill, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto interrupted. "Sakura, press something!"

"Well... okay!" She apparently didn't need much convincing. "Wish fulfillment it is!"

As soon as she flipped the switch, the entire room shifted and Team Seven was suddenly back in the park at the center of GLaDOS, Inc. Naruto was sitting on the picnic blanket, Sasuke was leaning against a tree and Kakashi was sound asleep on one of the couches.

"Huh. That was weird," Sakura blinked.

She was about to head back down the hall and resume her quest to find Inuyasha when Sasuke moved to intercept her. Startled, Sakura stared at him. Oh no, was he going to threaten to kill her again? She didn't even_ have_ the amulet!

"Sakura, I'm in love with you," Sasuke stated seriously, without missing a beat.

Sakura gaped at him. "What, really?"

"Yes."

Not finding this at all strange, she beamed at him, and started to rush towards the Uchiha, who immediately took a step backwards and appeared extremely affronted.

"But don't touch me. Or speak to me." He paused. "Actually, don't come near me at all. I will contact you when I'm ready to restore my clan, after I've completely decimated the rest of Konoha and anyone else who happens to get in my way. Which, by the looks of things, is the entire continent."

Sakura bit her lip and frowned. "But Sasuke, I'm from Konoha."

"Right. Well. I _guess _I can let you live, since I'm in love with you," Sasuke seemed a bit disappointed and grimaced slightly. "I forgive you for attempting to use my hands to strangle yourself to death, and for getting in the way of my chidori," He added as an afterthought. "And if you promise to stay at least twenty feet away from me at all times, you can even accompany me on my quest to make everyone pay with their lives for sullying the great Uchiha name."

Sakura was slowly backing away from him when Naruto jumped in between them. "No, Sakura, you can't be with that bastard!"

The Uchiha turned up his nose haughtily. Naruto ignored him.

"Sakura, please! You can't, because... because I'm madly in love with you too!"

The pink-haired teenager was dumbfounded. Two confessions in a row? Cha! Beat that, Ino.

But still, this was Naruto, so Sakura favored him with a blank stare and didn't respond to his statement.

"No, really, I am!" he continued earnestly. "I've been in love with you since I was twelve!"

"Bullshit!" Sakura glared. "You were gone for almost three years and didn't even write to me!"

"That's not true, Sakura-chan! I wrote to you almost every day!"

"I don't remember getting a single letter, so there."

"Well, I didn't actually _send _them," Naruto grinned sheepishly as Sakura started twitching. "What! Don't look at me like that! Mailing things is complicated, and I think the Konoha Postal Services put out an attack-on-site ban on me after I maybe accidentally thought I saw Sasuke through the window and sent a Rasengan clean through the front desk."

There was silence.

"Do you still want them?" He asked hopefully. "They're in a box under my bed."

"_No!" _And Sakura punched him in the face while Sasuke watched intently and tried not to let his amusement show.

Naruto slowly rose to his feet and whimpered pitifully while holding his head and Sasuke turned towards Sakura. "I enjoy watching you physically abuse Naruto. Let's do that on our first date."

"I'm afraid I cannot allow that."

Three heads snapped towards the couch, where their ex-sensei was lying down. Kakashi had apparently woken up and was removing Icha Icha from his face, which he had been using as makeshift eyemask. After stretching in an exaggerated fashion, he proceeded to walk towards Sakura and grabbed her hands in his.

"Sakura. I know I've barely paid any attention to you since the beginning of the series except to give you the occasional condescending pat on the head, but..." Kakashi paused for dramatic effect and took a deep breath, "I am also in love with you."

Sakura blinked. She looked from him, to Naruto, to Sasuke, and then back to Kakashi. "Okay, now I _know _something fishy is going on." She pursed her lips. "Sasuke and Naruto I can accept, but _you_, sensei?! You're like twice my age!"

Kakashi looked mildly offended. "Sasuke is believable, but I'm not? He tried to kill you! _Twice!_"

"You mean she _happened to be in the way of my chidori_," Sasuke interjected. "I'm completely innocent."

Kakashi rolled his one visible eye. "I thoroughly regret teaching you that move, by the way."

Sakura ignored them both and continued, "You're _old_, and perverted, and are a terrible sensei. And speaking of teaching! I can understand you ditching Naruto and me to go gift Sasuke with your stupid special lightning move, really I can. But then you went and dragged Naruto off to teach him about chakra nature and how to slice through waterfalls while Sai and I sat there and watched! Did it ever occur to you that maybe I would have liked to learn my chakra nature too?!"

Kakashi flinched. "Training Naruto was very taxing. I couldn't possibly focus on all three of you-"

"Oh please! You were reading Icha Icha the _entire time!"_

"Excuse me, miss."

All four shinobi turned to find Amelia, their officially appointed portal associate, looking at them with a stern yet polite expression on her face.

"Do you know how to read?" she asked.

"Um... yes?" Sakura looked uncomfortable.

"Good. I will assume, then, that our security footage has been tampered with and that you did not enter the room explicitly marked as employees only, and most definitely did not flip any switches that could potentially alter the fabric of space and time."

"Yeah... that sounds about right?" Sakura had found an interesting smudge on the floor to stare at.

"Sakura, Sakura! Look!"

"Eh?" She perked up and gazed towards the direction Naruto was pointing emphatically at. Her eyes went wide and she all but forgot Amelia and the whole "space time fabric fundamentally altered" thing. "Inuyasha!"

* * *

**A/N: **Inuyasha! Kagome! _Inuyaaashaaaa! Kaaagoooome!_


	5. Chapter IV: Inuyasha

**Chapter IV.  
**In which Inuyasha and Naruto fight over the last cup of instant ramen.

* * *

Standing several dozen feet down the hall was Inuyasha—who was currently plastered face first into the floor—and his odd assortment of traveling companions. Sakura let out an indecipherable shriek and started skipping towards them.

"You!" she pointed, "You're Miroku! And you're Sango, and Kagome, and _you're _Inuyasha!" she clapped her hands, delighted.

"And you're.. you're..." Naruto gulped, eyeing Kirara and Shippou warily. They seemed so small and harmless in that preview, but now, in person? They were clearly the mutated off-spring of the Kyuubi. Shippou was smiling innocently up at him, but Naruto knew it was an act. Kirara could meow cutely all she wanted—she wasn't fooling _anyone_.

"Hi!" Shippou was suddenly in front of him, fluffy tail and all. Naruto tried to nonchalantly hide behind Kakashi.

Sasuke let out a short bark of laughter. "Really, dobe? You're afraid of the kitten and the midget with the tail?"

"N-no! Shut up! I'm not scared! Your _face _is scared!" Naruto shouted, opting to stay behind their sensei.

The Uchiha reached down to pet Kirara, who rubbed up against his hand and started purring softly. "She doesn't look anything like the Kyuubi. She doesn't even have nine tails."

Sango was watching the scene intently, and after a moment, started blushing and looked away. Fortunately, Sakura didn't notice because she was still giggling and looking back and forth between the Inuyasha protagonists, having reverted back to her 12-year-old-fangirl mode.

"Hahaha.. um," Kagome laughed awkwardly, "Are we famous or what?""

"Finally!" Inuyasha jumped out of the small crater he had spent several minutes becoming intimately acquainted with and drew out Tessaiga. Naruto let out a loud, "Wow!" in response and Sasuke attempted to feign nonchalance.

"Hn. Suigetsu's is bigger."

Kakashi's leaned towards Sasuke. "You mean Zabuza's old Executioner's Blade? Pretty sure Tessaiga's got it beat."

"No, it doesn't."

"Wait, we _are _talking about swords, right?"

Sasuke ignored him.

"Kagome, stay back." Inuyasha edged towards Sakura and sniffed her. His ears perked up and Sakura became transfixed at the sight. "Weird... you smell human, but you look like a youkai."

"I look like a _what_?!" Sakura stilled, unable to decide if that was an insult or not.

"Feh. What human has that kind of hair-color?! Reminds me of when Shippou raided Kagome's bag and spent the entire night vomiting up strawberry pocky."

Sango looked slightly nauseous. "I thought we agreed to never to mention The Night of Shame again..."

"Don't be rude, Inuyasha." Kagome chided, straightening her green school skirt. "I think it's pretty."

Sakura beamed at her. "Thank you!"

"That nice tour guide lady was explaining everything to us, but we're all still a little confused. Are you from another world, then?"

"Yes!" The pink-haired ninja perked up. "We're from a place called Konoha. It's a ninja village. We're _all _ninjas, actually." She pointed towards her utility belt and drew out a kunai. "We get missions from our Hokage, protect the civilians and are highly skilled in the arts of ninjitsu and taijutsu. It's a very dangerous lifestyle."

Everyone was listening intently to their conversation. Sasuke appeared particularly unimpressed with Sakura's description of a shinobi.

"That's really cool!" Kagome gushed. "So how did you end up here then, exactly?"  
**  
**Kakashi chimed in, "Well, we were in the middle of rescuing this nice old lady's cat from a tree..."

"Ah.. yes, that does sound dangerous." Miroku smiled politely.

Inuyasha, for his part, had zoned out during their conversation. He had sheathed Tessaiga and was crouched on all fours and staring moodily into the distance. Sakura's eyes zeroed in on his ears and she very carefully started edging towards him. The hanyou noticed her presence almost immediately and jumped away while glaring suspiciously.

"Inuyasha..." Kagome warned, her voice low.

Recognizing Kagome as the woman-in-charge, Sakura turned to her and cooed, "Can I touch them?"

Inuyasha's ears flattened and a fresh new wave of hostility emanated from him. Kagome chose to completely ignore his discomfort. "Sure! INUYASHA, SIT."

The hanyou fell to the floor. "Quick, while he's down!"

Sakura scrambled over to him, feigning deafness as he shouted disturbingly detailed threats that involved ripping out her innards and stuffing them down her throat. Sango and Miroku were watching the spectacle with disinterest while Shippou was snickering and taunting Inuyasha with quips like "Serves you right, flea-face!" Apparently this was completely normal behavior.  
**  
**"I feel horribly dirty all of a sudden," Kakashi confided.

Naruto nodded. "This _does _seem a little rapey... Hey Sasuke-teme, I bet you're glad you don't have ears right now, yeah? You'd have even more fangirls!"

The blood drained from Sasuke's face as he paled considerably.

Satisfied with her grope, Sakura returned to the group with Kagome, both with glowing faces and inordinately cheerful smiles.**  
**  
"So, ninjas, huh?" Kagome continued the conversation as if nothing had happened. "Cool! And you already know all about us?"

"Well... we only saw a two-minute preview, so not really."

"Oh, the movie previews! Our tour guide was telling us about them before Inuyasha freaked out and attacked her. Fortunately she was just a hologram..."

"Yeah! Hey!" Sakura turned towards Team Seven. "Let's go show them ours!"

"Eh?"

"C'mon, it'll be fun!"

"Yes, fun!" Kagome and Sakura squealed in unison and walked off, leading the way down the hall.

"So, which one is it?"

"I have no idea. Let's just keep looking till we run into it."

"You just arrived here not too long ago, right?" Sakura inquired. "Aren't you freaked out?"

Kagome waved off her concern. "This is nothing. It's no biggie, I'm a bona fide expert on time travel. A necklace that throws you through a portal to another dimension? Puh-lease." She rolled her eyes. "That's so 500 years ago."

"That's right, I do remember seeing you fall down a well. With the uh.. Shikon something or other."

"Yeah... the Shikon no Tama. Eheh..." Kagome started fidgeting uncomfortably and toyed with the amulet around her neck.

Sakura cleared her throat. "So, how'd you end up with _another _reality-defying piece of jewelry?"

"It was _terrible_," Kagome moaned loudly. "After Miroku found a village with an ominous black cloud hanging over it, we stopped there for the night to purify the aura in exchange for free food and lodgings. They had an amazing hot springs, too." Kagome smiled fondly in remembrance. "But anyway. I was totally minding my own business when some swindler came up and started sweet talking me. He switched my necklace with this stupid amulet and now all of the jewel shards are _gone!"_

"WHAT?!" Inuyasha screamed.

"Oh, whoops. I forgot to tell Inuyasha that part."

"YOU LOST THE JEWEL SHARDS AGAIN? I'M-"

"Well what do you know! There's Konoha's preview!" Sakura hastily interrupted, grabbing both Kagome and Naruto by the hands and dragging them over to the screen.

"Quiet, it's starting!"

The screen darkened, and both parties were silent until the trailer had ended.

"I'm not even in this," Kakashi sounded vaguely disappointed.

"I'm _barely _in this."

"Why do Naruto and I keep trading gay looks!"

"I knew I was the main character! I'm the greatest! Believe it!" Naruto pumped his fist in the air.

After about ten minutes of standing in front of the portal to Konoha and chatting amicably, Inuyasha finally exploded and starting raging about needing to go find the jewel shards which eventually derailed into a long-winded rant about how incompetent Kagome was.

Kagome merely smiled sweetly at him. "Inuyasha, there's no harm in looking around. The tour guide told us that when we get back, it'll be like no time has passed at all."

Looking underneath the underneath: _You better change your tune if you don't want to eat dirt.  
_  
Miroku stepped up, stretching his staff out in between the hanyou and the jewel shard detector. "I agree with Kagome. Let's just relax a little. Everything here is rather fascinating, so what's the rush?"  
**  
**Naruto gave Inuyasha a comforting pat on the shoulder. "Look on the bright side! If you stay here long enough, that Amelia lady will come by and give you a free lunch."

"Amelia, you say?" Miroku sighed dreamily and put a hand to his heart. "What a beautiful name! And to bring us a wonderful home cooked meal!"

"Yeah, the ramen was delicious!" Inuyasha stopped ranting under his breath—which had continued endlessly regardless of the fact that nobody was listening.

"Ramen?" His stomach growled loudly. Naruto's growled right after him.

Sakura looked nonplussed. "Naruto, we just ate..."

Apparently this didn't matter, because within the next half hour, Amelia had returned with lunch for the Inu-gumi and both groups were again sitting at the picnic area. Kakashi silently wondered what kind of company offered endless free meals to whoever happened to show up there before deciding that he probably didn't want to know.

Sango daintily bit into her scone and twisted the hem of her kimono nervously while she glanced discreetly at Sasuke. She had been trying in vain to engage him in conversation, but all she could seem to get out of him was a mixture of 'Hn, Aa,' and irritated scowls. Miroku was busy pretending that neither of them existed.

Sango eventually gave up, and tried telling him about herself instead.

"It seems like it was only yesterday that I met everyone. I started traveling with Inuyasha after my entire village was slaughtered by Naraku. He made Kohaku, my little brother, kill everyone..." her face hardened. "I won't stop chasing him until I've gotten my revenge."

"Oh look, it's THIS back story again," Sakura interrupted. Sango looked like she wanted to strangle her, but was too polite to do so.

Sasuke fixed Sakura with a cool, carefully contrived blank look. "Our stories are _nothing _alike. I was betrayed. I'm an avenger. I'm not trying to _rescue _anyone."

"Oh yeah, and how's that working out for you?" Kakashi asked lightly, and the tension skyrocketed.

Miroku glanced between the ninjas and shifted uncomfortably. "Now, now," he said, "I can see that there's some unpleasant feelings starting to surface."

"Mind your own business," Sasuke bit out.

Miroku continued on as if he hasn't spoken. "You know, Inuyasha was also betrayed by someone who he cared for dearly, and he managed to move past it-"

"Oh really? When did _that_ happen?" Kagome said sarcastically. Inuyasha let out a loud "Feh!" in response as he slurped down more ramen and Miroku threw his hands up in defeat.

Sango was poking her food silently while Naruto and Inuyasha continued to stuff their faces. Kakashi had returned to his book— initiating conversation here was like walking on eggshells. Everyone here seemed horribly mentally unstable, and he was almost _slightly _afraid for his life.

"Ugh, why did I have to get stuck with the three most socially awkward ninjas in existence?" Sakura slapped her hand on the ground. "That's it! WHO IS THE EXPERT ON LONG-WINDED, EXPLANATORY DIALOGUE IN THIS GROUP. PLEASE TELL ME. I _NEED_ TO KNOW."

Everyone in Inuyasha's group looked towards Miroku, who smiled pleasantly and waved at her. Sakura hopped over to Miroku happily and sat down beside him. The rest of the hour passed by relatively peacefully as Sakura talked on and on about Konoha. Miroku seemed genuinely interested in what she was saying and was asking all the right follow-up questions. Why didn't someone like this exist in her world? It just wasn't fair.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you, Miss Sakura, but there's something very important I need to ask you." Miroku was suddenly very close, and his warm hands were covering hers.

Sakura's face turned bright red. "Um... yes?"  
**  
**"Will you bear my children?"

Sakura stared at him and Naruto's mouth dropped open. Ramen noodles were dangling over his chin.

"Wow," Sasuke deadpanned.

The pink-haired medical ninja responded by focusing a minute amount of chakra into her fist and punching him square in the jaw. All three women watched with satisfaction as he went skidding out past the picnic blanket.

"Serves him right," Sango said.

After taking a few minutes to recuperate, Miroku rose from his rather pathetic position on the floor and gingerly touched his cheek. "That's it! I'm done! No more warrior women!" he hobbled over to Kagome and attempted to grasp her hand unsuccessfully. Not to be deterred, he continued, "Kagome, will you _please _do me the honor of bearing my children?"

This time, his answer came in the form of a resounding slap on the cheek.

Miroku rubbed his face blissfully. "Ah, you have no idea how nice it is to be slapped and _not _go flying five feet in the opposite direction."

As Kagome glared at the monk, Inuyasha and Naruto reached for the last bowl of ramen at the same time.

"Hey, that's mine. I called it!"

"No you didn't!" Inuyasha tried to grab the bowl out of Naruto's hand, but the jinchuriki didn't let go. After a short but intense struggle, the bowl tipped and the contents went flying all over the rest of the picnic table.

The entire room went deathly silent. Inuyasha's eyes were now shielded by his bangs, and he went completely still as his fists clenched. His claws were digging into the palms of his hands, and blood began dripping down onto the floor. Naruto wasn't sure exactly what was going on but took a defensive stance anyway.

Almost without warning, Inuyasha whipped out his claws and a flurry of hardened, red projectiles flew out at Naruto. "Blades of Blood!"

"Holy crap!" Naruto substituted himself with a log and neatly dodged the incoming assault. "It was only an accident!"

The hanyou didn't seem to care. Naruto summoned half a dozen shadow clones as Inuyasha charged towards him.  
**  
**"Iron Reaver Soul Stealer!"

The next attack missed Naruto as well, but the unfortunate tree behind him was not so lucky.

"Geez, Sakura, those are just as strong as your chakra punches," One of Naruto's clones gulped. **  
**  
Kakashi and Sasuke were watching with interest from the sidelines as Inuyasha chased Naruto's clones around the park and tore apart any trees that dared to get in his way. Both ninjas were amused and even slightly impressed—at least until Inuyasha decided to unsheathe Tessaiga.

"He has no technique," Sasuke scoffed. "He's just swinging the sword around like a club."

Miroku was nodding in agreement. "He's a hanyou. He has increased speed, strength, stamina... but unfortunately, he's forgone any skill building in lieu of his natural abilities."

"Naruto could completely wipe the floor with him if he wanted to," Kakashi mused in response.

"Oh yeah? Well, You haven't seen him use Wind Scar!"

"Ah, Kagome..." Sango began. "He _can't _use Wind Scar. Naruto doesn't have any youkai aura to cut through..."

Kagome sputtered and Sakura nervously interrupted her. "Well, actually..."

"Dobe, what are you waiting for?" Sasuke called out. "Just end it already. This is pathetic."

"Shut up, you bastard!"

At this point Inuyasha was furiously trying to swipe at multiple clones simultaneously and half of the trees in the park were completely decimated.

"Okay, you asked for it! Get ready!" Naruto shouted.  
**  
**"Yes, he's going to do it!"

"Rasengan his ass, Naruto!"

Naruto closed his eyes in concentration. "Harem no jutsu!"

All of Naruto's shadow clones proceeded to turn into very voluptuous, naked women. Inuyasha's eyes went wide as saucers in confusion.

"Come on, baby. I'm a lover, not a fighter," one of the naked women winked and blew a kiss at him.

Inuyasha blushed profusely and attempted to stammer out a retort before he gave up completely and retreated up one of the remaining trees. Sango was clenching her teeth at the audacity of it all. Kakashi and Sasuke were looking extremely disappointed, and Miroku's nose had started bleeding before he promptly passed out.

"Naruto, you idiot!" Sakura was rushing towards the female Naruto harem, wanting to punch him but not sure which one she should start with. Naruto dispersed his clones and was begging Sakura not to hit him.

"I resolved the fight without violence! You should be proud of me, Sakura-chan!"  
**  
**Kagome was about to join in on Sakura's tirade when a loud pop startled her—a blue portal had appeared on one of the walls surrounding the inside park. Kagome tensed and then relaxed once she saw Amelia walk through it, holding a strange looking gun in her hand.

"What is it, Kagome?" Inuyasha jumped down from perch on the tree, thankful for the distraction and somewhat recovered now that the naked women were gone. "Do you sense a jewel shard?"

Kagome facepalmed. "There ARE NO JEWEL SHARDS here because we're _literally _not even in Japan anymore, Inuyasha."

Fed up and thoroughly embarrassed, Inuyasha had started growling halfway through her speech. "No jewel shards? Then this _is _a complete waste of time."

"Oh, come on. It's fun!"

"No it isn't!" he yelled. "That's it. We're going home! You promised to fix the Shikon no Tama—the _ONE THAT YOU BROKE—_and-"

Kagome sighed, tuning him out. Fix the jewel, bla bla bla, kill Naraku, bla bla bla, stupid, idiotic, useless girl, bla bla bla, wasting his time, bla bla.

"-and if you don't take us home _right now, _I'm going to break the well into a billion tiny little pieces!"

"Sit, boy!"

Slam. "I-I mean, I won't destroy it, but you won't be going back for a really, really long time!"

"Sit, sit, sit!"

"Arrgh, you bitch!"

Naruto gulped, thankful they had Sakura, who hadn't actually punched him this time for using his Harem Jutsu. And even if she had, her chakra filled assaults suddenly didn't seem so bad.

"Eh," Kagome stretched lightly, her anger satiated. "He's right, though. We really should be heading back. There's a certain swindler whose face needs to be pounded into the ground."

"I'd do it for you if I could," Sakura offered, and the black-haired teenager smiled gratefully.

"It was really nice meeting you!" Kagome gave Sakura a short hug. "Don't worry, we'll be back. I plan on stopping by here every time Inuyasha tries to tell me I can't go home."

Inuyasha started cursing loudly, but Team Seven didn't catch exactly what he said because Kagome had already yanked the amulet off of her neck.

* * *

**A/N:  
**Yes, Team Seven _will _be eventually returning to Konoha (although they'll be stopping by some other places on the way home).


	6. Chapter V: For Science

**Chapter V.**  
In which Team Seven discovers that they've sold their eternal souls to the Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment center.

* * *

"I'm going to miss them," Sakura said wistfully. "Kagome seemed so nice. Inuyasha, not so much, but they made a cute couple, didn't they, Sasuke-kun?"

"Not really."

"I hope we get to see them again. Maybe we could even go on a double date!"

That got Sasuke's attention. "Why would I go on a date with _you_?"

"Because you're desperately in love with me?" Sakura said hopefully.

His face contorted unpleasantly. "Did you hit your head on something?"

"Oh... So you won't go on a date with me, then?"

"No."

Sakura visibly wilted. "Not even if it involved beating up Naruto repeatedly?"

Sasuke paused momentarily before answering. "No."

She frowned and turned to Kakashi and Naruto, who were staring at her curiously. "And what about you two? Are you still in love with me?"

"Ah... no, I don't think so. Are you _sure _you didn't hit your head?" Kakashi sounded concerned.

Amelia tapped on Sakura's shoulder from behind. "Ahem. I went ahead and reset the parameters of your universe. If I were you, I would refrain from trying something like that again," she chided. "You may be paying customers, but tampering with reality is strictly prohibited."

"You keep calling us customers, but we haven't bought anything," Sakura pointed out.

"Yes you did!" Amelia motioned her hand towards Naruto's amulet.

"Well, you see..." Kakashi rubbed his neck. "We didn't actually pay for that. So we're not _really _customers."

"Yes, you did," she repeated.

"Right," Kakashi said hesitantly. "And what did we pay with, exactly?"

"Your souls, of course!" she replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Team Seven traded a few serious glances between one another.

"Excuse me, I think we must have misheard you," Kakashi smiled through his mask. "Did you just imply that we sold our immortal souls in exchange for a piece of jewelry?"

"Yes. It's a rather hefty price, so if I were you I'd take very good care of it." Amelia looked at Naruto and turned up her nose. Leaning towards Kakashi, she whispered, "You might want to let someone else hold onto it. He doesn't look very dependable."

"That's totally crazy, lady! I don't remember agreeing to this!" Naruto was flailing his arms around angrily and nearly smacked Sasuke in the face before the rest of his teammates retreated a safe distance away. "And what does it mean to sell your soul, anyway? What's gonna happen?"

"To answer your first question: you agreed to this the moment you slipped the amulet around your neck. Perhaps you should have read the fine print."

"What fine print?!"

"We'd like to make a return, please," Kakashi said politely.

Amelia shook her head. "Sorry, we have a very strict no-returns policy. And as for your second question, Naruto, it's quite simple! Upon reaching a deceased state, instead of moving on to the great beyond, your souls will be redirected to a recently developed branch of our Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment center, where you'll spend the rest of eternity aiding us in our investigation of how portal technology functions when introduced to incorporeal test subjects."

"If it makes you feel any better, you'll get Tuesdays off. You're welcome to use the amulet anytime while you're still living and as an added bonus, we serve free meals throughout the day to all of our future guinea pigs. And, just between you and me, our Sunday brunch is simply to die for," she added.

Sakura and Naruto stood there, horrified. Kakashi just sighed and muttered, "Ah, well, it can't be helped," and Sasuke appeared to be completely unconcerned. Amelia could have just informed him that there was a mustard stain on his shirt and Sakura wouldn't have noticed a difference in his reaction.

"Don't you care even a little bit, Sasuke-kun? This is your eternal soul we're talking about here!"

"Hn."

Sakura huffed in annoyance. "Well... an enrichment center, you say? That doesn't sound so bad."

"Yes, it sounds... um, enriching?" Kakashi's shoulders slumped.

"Oh, it's wonderful! You'll love it! Would you like a tour?"

Without waiting for a proper response, Amelia pulled out her oddly shaped gun—which they later learned was an Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device—opened a glowing blue portal, and whisked Team Seven through it.

Aside from the numerous desks equipped with standard issue computers lining the walls, the new room didn't look much different from the hall Team Seven had previously resided in—at least not enough to distract them from their current situation.**  
**  
"All enrichment center activities are first and foremost designed to test the Aperture Handheld Portal Device-"—she twirled the white gun in her hand—"-as well the structural integrity of the laboratory's testing chambers. The enrichment center also investigates the physical and intellectual abilities of their test subjects—particularly their capacity to endure and function under extremely debilitating—Oh, but that part isn't important."

They reached the end of the hallway, which had split into two directions.

"There are two main testing facilities: single and co-operative. Since the four of you entered into the contract together, you will be placed in the Co-operative Computer Intelligence Training and Enrichment Center Human Test Subject Research Center."

Amelia turned left and continued to lead them through the chamber.

"In order to facilitate teamwork and encourage optimum performance, co-operative pairs are pitted against one another. Teams exhibiting the highest degree of harmony, teamwork and positive communication skills are awarded science collaboration points. Isn't that exciting?"

Nobody responded, so Amelia resumed her speech.

"All co-operative enrichment center activities are conducted in teams of two." Amelia abruptly stopped walking and whirled around to face them. "Please form a circle, if you will."

Baffled, Team Seven complied.

"Wonderful. Now, look at your fellow teammates."

Very confused, all four shinobi stared uncomfortably at one another, wondering why on earth they were even bothering with this. Sakura and Naruto attempted to discreetly communicate with each other by mouthing words; Kakashi made an effort to join in before remembering that they couldn't see his face through his mask, and Sasuke had adopted his customary blank look and was defiantly staring at the floor in an attempt to refuse participation.

Amelia gave no indication that she noticed anything out of the ordinary. "Your ability to follow instructions is exemplary. I can already tell that you'll make wonderful test subjects!" she smiled brightly and tucked a strand of brown hair neatly behind her ear. "Please take this opportunity to get comfortable with your partners' faces, because you'll be spending the rest of eternity stuck with each other indefinitely, in extremely close quarters, functioning seamlessly together as test subject teams. Why, I daresay by the end of it, you'll each be two halves of a whole!"

"Oh, God..." Sasuke looked like someone had just punched him in the stomach and stolen his lunch money.

No one else said anything. Sakura seemed torn between elation and undiluted panic, Kakashi's visible eye drooped imperceptibly and Naruto still hadn't quite managed to grasp the enormity of the situation.  
**  
**Amelia interrupted their mutually dawning realizations of impending doom by ushering them through the nearest doorway. They entered a small, mostly bare room whose far wall consisted of a large glass window that overlooked a testing chamber.

A series of platforms, scaffolds and half-walls divided up the testing area. A dozen relatively harmless looking turrets were stationed arbitrarily around the chamber and were firing off a cascade of red laser beams in every direction. An extremely smug-sounding computer generated voice was spewing out a variety of colorfully sarcastic insults and two people in bright orange suits were running around begging to be let out. One of them was clutching desperately at a gaping wound in his leg.

"Oh, dear," Amelia said. "We seem to be having some technical difficulties with the military androids."

The non-injured test subject began laughing hysterically as a broken android turret went flying at an increasingly accelerated speed through two portals that had been placed onto the floor and ceiling. He proceeded to shoot at a wall with his portal gun and the android catapulted towards his partner, who was launched into the air upon impact and wailed desperately.

Kakashi peered through the window as the scene unfolded. "I don't know about you three, but this is exactly how I imagined my afterlife playing out."

Sakura made a disgusted face. "What is _wrong _with you?"

"Well, I suppose there are more incinerating laser beams than I initially pictured. My image of hell was always a little vague," he admitted. "It's _very _clear now, though."

* * *

**A/N**: Cake, and grief counseling, will be available upon completion of this story.


	7. Chapter VI: Ouran High School Host Club

**Chapter VI: Ouran High School Host Club**

In which the Ouran Host Club desperately tries to recruit Sasuke.

* * *

"But Sakura-chan, you're way stronger than me! You carry it!"

"No! What kind of gentleman makes a lady do all the heavy lifting? Sheesh!"

"Just leave it."

Sakura and Naruto glared at Sasuke for the thousandth time that day. "Sasuke-kun, it was a _gift_."

"It's... a box." Kakashi poked the object in Naruto's arms, causing him to stumble.

"It's a _weighted companion cube_, and we're not getting rid of it! So there!" Sakura sniffed, and Kakashi closed his eyes in defeat.

After their tour of the Aperture Science computer-aided enrichment center had concluded, Amelia presented them with a complementary gift in the form of a suspiciously cute looking box, which had tumbled out of a nearby chute. Naruto, having no idea what it was for but not wanting to seem rude, had wrapped his arms around it in a bear hug and hoisted the cube up into the air.

For whatever reason, Naruto and Sakura both became oddly attached to the cube after that (Sasuke swore up and down to Kakashi that he heard Sakura whispering to it at one point). Team Seven tentatively adjusted to the idea of adding the weighted companion cube as their new fifth member, and the fact that it was an inanimate object was deemed inconsequential.

(The addition, of course, sparked a debate about whether or not the companion cube actually counted as their fifth member, seeing as they forgot to take Sai into account. Sasuke adamantly denied being a member of Team Seven and declared that Sai was the new fourth, therefore making the cube the new fifth. Sakura and Naruto were outraged and steadfastly insisted that Sasuke was _definitely _still fourth, regardless of his traitorous behavior and Kakashi kept pointing out that Yamato was technically part of Team Seven too, at which point nobody could come to an agreement and the conversation dissolved into halfhearted grumbling.)

Some time later, Sakura was staring disinterestedly at one of the portals while sitting on the weighted companion cube—which Naruto had eventually set down after his arms started to get sore—when it suddenly hit her.

"Hey guys, these are doors!"

"..." Sasuke looked nonplussed, and Naruto watched her from his position on the floor.

"Very astute, Sakura," Kakashi hadn't bothered to look up from his book.

"No, I mean they're _doors_. Doors that lead somewhere."

"Yes..." Kakashi flipped a page.

"You know... places. _Worlds._" She wagged her eyebrows suggestively.

Perking up slightly, Naruto folded his arms behind the back of his neck and gazed at her. "Oye, you don't think that we can travel to other universes, do you?"

"Of course you can."

Amelia had materialized behind them yet again, startling everyone and causing Sakura to fall off of the companion cube.

"I'm surprised it took you this long to ask," the portal associated continued. "It's quite simple, really. Just open up a door and hop on through! You'll materialize at the home location of the main characters, unless of course there is no home location, in which case you'll simply appear somewhere nearby."

"Wow, cool!" Naruto bounced up ecstatically and gave Amelia a thumbs-up gesture. "I'm gonna jump through one right now!"

"One moment, please." Amelia held up her hand in a not very subtle shushing motion. "A person _can _travel through a portal alone as long as the amulet is in their possession. Their teammates, however, will only be able to jump through whichever portal their leader has gone through. It follows that you should refrain from splitting up."

"So basically what you're saying is that we have to go wherever Naruto wants to go," Kakashi drooped.

"Not necessarily," Amelia winked. "Listen up, this part is important. In order to return, every member who has traveled there must touch the amulet and tap their heels together precisely four times. If one traveler is left out—that is, if the group deigns to return without them—said person will experience intense and unbearable agony immediately upon their departure. Followed by death."

Naruto gulped.

"Well, that's all. Happy traveling!"

Amelia took her leave, and Team Seven contemplated her words in silence.

"So..." Sakura began. "There are so many choices."

The ninjas eyed each other warily.

There was an uncharacteristic glint in Kakashi's eye. "There's only one way to settle this."

* * *

"Paper beats rock. I win."

"Sasuke, you cheater! You're using the Sharingan!"

Sasuke scoffed at the accusation but did not deny it.

"Technically speaking, it's a tie," Sakura said. "Kakashi-sensei had paper too."

"Well he's also a big fat cheater!"

"Me? Cheat? Why, honestly, Naruto, what kind of man do you take me for-"

"Your hitai-ate is up and I can see your stupid eye!"

"It was itching." Kakashi emphatically rubbed at his Sharingan and feigned a wince of pain.**  
**  
"This is getting us nowhere," Sakura sighed. "The next person who cheats gets disqualified. I want to go exploring, dammit! Next game in three, two, one..."

Many rounds and two vehement arguments later, Sakura's lone rock crushed several pairs of scissors and all three males collectively groaned in defeat.

"Shannaro! I'm the rock-paper-scissors champion!"

"What an accomplishment," Kakashi drawled and re-covered his Sharingan.

"Oh, aren't you all a bunch of sore losers. Just for that, I know exactly where we're going to visit first."

* * *

"This... this is..."

They were standing at the center of a sprawling courtyard, near a circular water fountain that was surrounded by precisely trimmed bushes. Several paved paths spanning out from the fountain led to an array of massive, expensive looking white buildings.

"Ouran Academy!" she chirped, practically glowing.

"It's huge..."**  
**  
"Ouran..? Not really ringing a bell..."  
**  
**A clock chimed, and moments later students began trickling out the doors of the school buildings.

"Let me refresh your memory," Sakura cleared her throat. "As perfectly memorized and recited from the preview:_ Only those with excellent social standing and those from filthy rich families are lucky enough to spend their time here at the elite private school, Ouran Academy_."

"You don't mean..." Naruto trailed off.

"_The Ouran Host Club is where the school's handsomest boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands_."

Sasuke blanched. "Oh hell no."

"_Just think of it as Ouran Academy's elegant playground for the super rich and beautiful!_" she simpered, clapping her hands excitedly as she concluded.  
**  
**Male students, clad in periwinkle blazers, dark pants and matching ties, were briefly glancing at them before continuing on their way, but the females were forming flocks of pale yellow dresses and whispering amongst each other. (Sakura caught the words "cosplayers" and "otakus" but had no idea what they meant.) **  
**  
Sasuke appeared to be receiving the most attention—several groups of girls had inched their way closer to him. He attempted to shoo them off with the trademark Uchiha glare, but instead of scattering, the female students sighed dreamily and continued to giggle among each other.

"Well, this was fun. Can we go now?" Kakashi was reaching for the book in his back pocket.

"Don't be ridicul-"

"Oh, my. Oh my! You!" a voice gasped. "You, you're..."

A lone girl with long dirty-blonde hair and a giant red bow had stopped dead in her tracks on the paved sidewalk and was staring at them intensely with wide, startled eyes.

Correction: she was staring at _Sasuke _with wide, startled eyes.

Team Seven hesitantly waited for her to continue speaking, but she just stood there with her mouth hanging open as she gaped. It was a little creepy.

"Stop staring. It's annoying," Sasuke said irritably. "And you're starting to drool."

His voice seemed to snap her out of it, and the girl's face lit up in a maniacal grin.

"You're absolutely perfect!" The student rushed towards Sasuke, invading his personal space quite spectacularly. "A deep and unfathomable gaze! Dark, enigmatic eyes a woman could get lost in! Beautiful yet untouchable! A tortured soul who dons a carefully crafted porcelain mask to hide his wounded and vulnerable heart from the world!"

She yanked him by his shirt, and Sasuke, by this point, was doing a rather good impression of a ragdoll. Too overwhelmed and emotionally drained to react violently, he was instead opting to pretend that this was all a horrible nightmare he had no control over.

"The Lonely Prince meets the Cool Type! You're the ideal combination—the beautiful offspring of Tamaki-san and Kyouya-sama!" Throughout her speech she was posing dramatically and re-enacting her descriptions through various facial expressions. "We're leaving for the third music room immediately! You must meet with the King at once!"

And that was how Team Seven found themselves dragged to the Music Room #3 of Ouran Academy and unceremoniously shoved through two elegantly crafted white doors.

* * *

"Everyone, out! I have urgent news to discuss with Tamaki-san!"

The host room fell silent.

Two ornate red sofas were situated at the center of the room, surrounded by a number of small dining tables loaded with various hors d'oeuvres and pastry dishes. Countless pairs of female eyes locked onto the newcomers as conversation ceased. Among the girls were a handful of boys, who were easily identified by their periwinkle uniforms a midst a sea of pale yellow.

"Ne, Renge-chan?" A cute little boy with chocolate brown eyes—Sakura assumed he was a boy, since he didn't look a day over twelve—wandered over to them.

Renge was still clinging onto Sasuke, who appeared to be taking deep breaths and was counting backwards from ten.

"Honey-sempai, I've found you the perfect host!" She pushed Sasuke forward.

A tall teen with perfectly styled blonde hair, delicate features and a complexion that had Sakura writhing in jealousy had dramatically risen from his seat on one of the sofas. He swept back his bangs, strutted over to the group and after a moment of casual observation, snapped his fingers.

Turning towards the female students in the room who had gathered around him, he said, "I'm terribly sorry ladies, but we're going to have to cut this afternoon's meeting short."

A dark-haired man in glasses, who, Sakura noted, somewhat resembled Sasuke in coloring and general prettiness, followed up Tamaki's declaration. "We appreciate your understanding and look forward to your continued presence here in the future. Oh, and ladies: don't forget to return for tonight's Ouran Host Club dinner party."

The female students steadily flowed out of the music room until only the six hosts were left.

"Ooooh, Renge, where on earth did you find these lovely creatures?" Tamaki cooed girlishly as the last student exited. "You two!" He pointed a finger in Naruto and Sasuke's general directions. "What are your names? I've never seen you before. Are you new students here?"

"No new students have been enrolled at Ouran Academy as of late," Kyouya answered. "They must have just wandered here by mistake." He peered at Team Seven through his glasses, frowning at their attire. "If you're looking for the 2013 Bunkyō Comicon, you're in the wrong place. I can call a guard to have you escorted their shortly, however, if you wish."

"No, no! That won't be necessary!" Sakura interrupted. "Their names are Naruto and Sasuke, by the way, and we just came by to visit, actually, and-"

"And it's wonderfully amazing that you did! Absolutely spectacular! It's a shame you aren't students... the amount of customer designations we'd receive with you would skyrocket to previously unreachable heights!" Tamaki proclaimed while trying unsuccessfully to grab Sasuke's hands as he shimmied away. "But never fear, it matters not. The King decrees that you can participate in club activities as our extra-special guest host. Or better yet, you can transfer here! You've got the looks! The style! The grace! The presence!"

After fawning over Sasuke for a while and getting a series of adamant 'No, stop, don't touch me's out of him (which Tamaki, of course, completely ignored), the Ouran hosts turned their attention to the other three members of Team Seven. Honey had pounced on an enamored Sakura, who was holding a large stuffed pink rabbit he had offered to her. A pair of twins with spiky auburn hair, similarly colored eyes and devious smirks were on either side of Tamaki.

"Hmmm... a girl. No good," the twins said in unison while looking at Sakura, who didn't seem to notice.

The trio moved to focus on Kakashi, who only looked up from Icha Icha Tactics when Tamaki forcefully pushed it out of his face.

"He seems a little old..." one of the twins wrinkled his nose.

Tamaki narrowed his eyes. "Remove your mask at once! The King must get a better look at your facial structure!"  
**  
**Kakashi stared at him for a moment before slowly placing the book in his back pocket. Icha Icha secured, he made a quick handsign and vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Noooo, Kakashi-sensei! Don't leave me alone with them!" Naruto was moaning fruitlessly as Tamaki and the Hitachiin twins turned towards him instead, apparently completely unphased by the sight of a masked man teleporting away.

"Hmmm..." Noticing their appraisal of Naruto, Renge released her hold on Sasuke—who was immensely relieved (although to outsiders, he probably looked the same as before)—and focused a critical gaze on the blonde ninja.

A look of realization washed over her. "I didn't really get a good look at him before, but it's obvious! The bruised cheek!"—Sakura had hit him not that long ago; Naruto couldn't remember exactly why—"The vibrant blue eyes! The unruly hair! The careless grin!" She clapped. "He's a perfect Naughty Type!"

"Eh?" Naruto blinked.

"Aa, but don't we already have one of those?" The twins had wrapped their arms around each other's shoulders.

Renge shook her head. "Shirou-chan is still too young," She yanked Naruto towards her. "No, he's definitely perfect, and he won't overlap with Honey-sempai's Loli-shota Type at all!"

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here!"

Keenly aware that their attention was fully diverted, Sasuke took the opportunity to secure his escape. "I agree. Naruto is certainly a spot-on.. Ah, naughty type, and would make an excellent addition to your.. host club. He's effeminate and idiotic and would fit in much better than me."

Naruto jerked out of Renge's grip and turned on Sasuke. "_Me _the effeminate one?! That must make you practically a girl by comparison!"

"I am _not _girly," Sasuke seethed.

"Tch! The only way you could get girlier is if you grew out your hair and started prancing around in a dress!"

"Watch it, dobe. I have no qualms about killing you. Just give me a reason."

"This is really pathetic, isn't it, Kaoru?" One of the twins interrupted.

"And boring." They were looking at Naruto and Sasuke with matching expressions of disappointment.

"Your rendition of a brotherly love spat is terribly lacking," Hikaru tutted. "Besides, we already have a brotherly love pair, and you're doing it wrong, anyway."

The twins gave each other a look, and Kaoru suddenly pushed Hikaru forcefully away from him."You're always cuddling up to me at night, it gets so irritating!"

"It's not my fault you were shivering so cutely, idiot!"

"Don't call me an idiot! I'm not..." Kaoru turned away, blushing, and Hikaru grabbed his hand and pulled him into a deep embrace.

"I'm so sorry, Kaoru. I didn't mean it... I'd never want to hurt you."

"Maybe I am an idiot..."

"No, you're not! Don't think such terrible things about yourself! I can't bear it..." Hikaru grasped his brother's chin and drew him closer.

Sasuke looked nauseous. "Is.. is there a bathroom anywhere around here?"

"Yes, it's right down the hall, third door on the left," Kyouya smiled and pushed up the frames of his glasses.

"I don't think I'm going to make it..." Sasuke dashed past them, passing by Sakura, who had taken a seat at one of the petite tables and was cozying up to Honey and a disturbingly feminine looking host with brown hair and large dark eyes.

"Oh, Haruhi-kun! That was so sweet of you. It really _is _my natural color," The pink-haired medic was gazing at Haruhi with a look of obvious infatuation and seemed to be laughing at everything "he" said. Honey was surreptitiously sneaking pastries off of both of their plates until a tall, intimidating looking man came up and dragged him away from the table.

Sasuke returned from where he had been kneeling over a very expensive looking vase, shaking slightly and holding a hand over his mouth. "There's so many people I want to kill right now, it's not even funny."

Naruto gave the Uchiha a once-over and smirked to himself. "You're right, Sasuke. I'd make a _much _better host than you. Girls like me better anyway."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"I don't know..." Tamaki frowned. "You lack a certain... refinement. Finesse. Charm. The essential qualities of a true host!"

"Charm?! I have charm! I have charm coming out of my ass!"

Tamaki flinched. "Such vitriol..."

"And who needs charm when you can do THIS?!" Naruto quickly formed a handsign and a shadow clone popped up next to him. "Bam! Two hosts at once! Don't worry, ladies, there's plenty of Naruto to go around! Believe it!" He gave his clone a high-five.

The hosts gathered around him and a chorus of "Oooh!"s and "Ahhh!"s broke out.

Kyouya adjusted his glasses. "Hm... interesting. A sound financial investment."

"Wow, Naru-chan! Can you do that with cakes, too?" Honey hugged the shadow clone.

"Maybe he could pull off the brotherly love technique, after all," Kaoru was whispering.

Haruhi pushed her way to the front of the crowd, looking incensed. "This is impossible. He just made clones of himself! And that masked guy completely disappeared into thin air! Doesn't anybody care?"

Apparently nobody did. Tamaki ruffled her hair affectionately and told her to let daddy take care of the new members, the rest of the hosts continued to give rapt attention to Naruto and Haruhi dejectedly wandered back to the table where Sakura was still sitting.

Meanwhile, the wheels were slowly turning in Sasuke's head as he considered the situation. Naruto? Make a better host than him? Completely ridiculous. Unthinkable, even.

Thus, the sparks of rivalry were momentarily reignited as Sasuke stepped in front of Naruto and declared that he had decided to become a host, after all (at which point Naruto pushed him aside and said that he'd do it too, and he'd get twice as many designations as the bastard).

* * *

They spent the next few hours in the music room listening to Tamaki drone on and on about proper host etiquette and the best way to lavish young women with over the top compliments. Earlier, the twins had rushed both ninjas to the dressing room, where they had been thrown into a bath and forcefully clothed in spare Ouran Academy uniforms.

"When a lady asks you where your heart lies, you must always tearfully respond that it is forever with her and no one else."

Naruto and Sasuke were seated on the love-seat opposite of Tamaki, who was gesturing at them with a comb in his hand as he talked. The former was staring at the host king with a determined expression on his face as Sasuke did his best to tune him out entirely. Hikaru was in the process of blow-drying Naruto's hair as Kaoru molded Sasuke's with styling gel—although the dark-haired ninja had insisted that he'd styled it earlier that day—and Kyouya was diligently jotting something down in a spiral-bound notebook.

After finishing their hair, the hosts regrouped at a tea table.

"Naruto," Sasuke sighed. "You're doing it wrong. _Again_."

Frustrated, the blonde slammed the tea cup down and glowered at the napkin in front of him. "This is such a pain! Who even cares how I'm holding a stupid cup?!"

"Stop complaining." The Uchiha held his own teacup in front of Naruto's face. "As Tamaki said five times already, you need to hold it like so—" he demonstrated, waving the piece of china tauntingly at him. "You set it down pinky first, to prevent unnecessary clinking..."

"Yes, exactly! You're a natural, Sasuke-kun! Daddy is so proud of you!"  
**  
**Naruto stared at Sasuke suspiciously. "Uh, you're good at this. Like, really, _really _good at this. I didn't realize you knew so much about hosting..." the jinchuriki took another look at him, noting his perfectly styled hair, manicured fingernails and lightly applied eyeliner. "You haven't.. done this before, have you?"

"..."

"Oh god, you have, haven't you? So THAT'S why all the girls liked you!"

"Shut up, just shut _up!"_

* * *

Later that evening, after Tamaki had given up on teaching Naruto anything and told him to just go for it and hope for the best, guests began to arrive for Ouran's aforementioned Host dinner party.

Naruto had fortunately opted to not whip out the shadow clone right off the bat, and was instead trying to compete with Sasuke on even ground.

* * *

"Naruto-kun, would you rather take me for a walk on the beach or for a midnight stroll under a starry sky?"

"Nah! That sounds boring. I'd take you out to eat at a ramen stand! It'd be great!" A large piece of biscotti was in his mouth and crumbs were flying everywhere as he spoke. "But uh.. I'm a little short on cash right now, so you'd be okay with paying for you own, right?"

* * *

"Sasuke-kun, what's your favorite type of flower?"

"..."

"Sasuke-kun, would I look more alluring with my hair cut long or short?"

"..."

"Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun! What's your favorite ballroom dance? Can I be your first tonight?"

"..."

* * *

Needless to say, they were both failing spectacularly, but Naruto didn't seem to notice and Sasuke didn't seem to care, so the night went fairly well.

After eventually scaring all of his designations off, Naruto wandered over to Sakura, who had just finished dancing with Haruhi and had a tell-tale faraway look in her eyes. He began bragging about how he had gotten more designations than Sasuke (Sasuke's had all vacated the area quite a bit earlier) and Sakura half-listened as she bit her nails nervously.

"Naruto, this place is amazing. And there's something I need to tell you." She peeked through a shield of pink hair that had fallen over her face, blushing and unable to meet his eyes.

"What is it, Sakura-chan?"

"Well..." she inhaled deeply. "I think I might be falling in love with Haruhi-kun."

"Wha-"

"No, wait, don't respond yet! I know, I _know _it doesn't make sense, but he's amazing. He's just so genuine, and he listens when I talk, and he has the sweetest smile... Those gorgeous brown eyes..."

From behind them, Kaoru and Hikaru started quietly snickering.

Naruto was saved from having to come up with a decent response when the dinner party was disrupted by Kakashi, who rushed through the doors and demanded that they leave at once. He was holding his jonin vest in his hands, leaving him clad only in his usual black short sleeve shirt, and he had a hounded look in his eyes.

When asked why, Kakashi started mumbling something about the age of consent and pretty high school girls and very angry personal body guards with automatic weaponry.

This, of course, made no sense to Sakura. "Wait, Kakashi! We can't leave _yet_! I haven't told Haruhi-kun that-"

"Nope, leaving now." Sasuke and Naruto had both grabbed one of her arms and were physically dragging the uncooperative female ninja away from the party.

After a minor battle, they succeeded in forcefully placing her hand on the amulet and—much to the relief of everyone except Sakura—were whisked back to GlaDOS, Inc. headquarters.

* * *

**A/N: **;D?


	8. Chapter VII: Friendship is Hell

**A/N: **I tried posting this earlier, but the chapter wasn't showing up. I guess everyone was having issues, and yeah... anyway. Apologies to those of you who may have gotten repeat alerts.  
**  
Chapter VII. Friendship is Hell**

In which Team Seven encounters a new kind of hell called Ponyville.

* * *

"Wow," Naruto was breathless. "There really _are_ other worlds. I mean, I know we met some travelers, but... but wow!"

Team Seven had materialized in front of Ouran High's portal several minutes ago, and they were still standing at the entrance, taking a slight breather.

"It's Sasuke's turn to pick next. Then you, then Kakashi-sensei." Sakura's tone brooked no argument. "So, where to next, Sasuke-kun?"

Sasuke contemplated his options for a moment before leading the group past a series of doors. He stopped decisively in front of one of the gates they had passed earlier that day.

"Uh, Sasuke? This is the portal back to Konoha..."

"Yes. Yes it is."

Naruto grinned. "Whelp, since Sasuke's skipping his turn, I guess it's me next!"

Sasuke bit the inside of his cheek to keep from yelling out. It wouldn't do to ruin his carefully concocted stoic-and-apathetic image... or whatever was left of it after the Host Club debacle.

Naruto was weighing his options aloud when a series of shouts interrupted his train of thought.

"Kakarot, you idiot!"

"Aw, come on, Vegeta! It's not my fault it looked like a donut."

Two blurred figures zoomed through the hall at an incredible speed and came to a halt a good twenty feet in front of them. Both men had extremely bulky muscles, ridiculously styled black hair that stuck out at odd angles and were levitating in midair.

The taller one—Kakarot, the shorter one had called him—must have been the leader, Naruto surmised, since he was dressed in a bright orange outfit. Naruto was pretty sure that wearing orange was mandatory for main characters. .._Pretty _sure. (And if not, it obviously should be.)

In Kakarot's arms was what looked like miniature carbon copy of himself, right down to the very last piece of spiked hair. The child in question was currently struggling to get free from his father's grip—he was being held upside down to boot, but his father didn't seem to notice. The boy eventually bit Goku in the arm, who finally dropped the child and continued to blankly smile as Vegeta ranted.

"Finally!" The little boy somersaulted in mid-air before floating to the floor. Loosely dangling from his neck was a very familiar amulet. "Thanks dad!"

Something was not quite right.

"Um..." Sakura approached the two intimidating yet goofy looking men. "Excuse me."

The Saiyans' conversation ceased and they stared at her curiously, as if noticing the other group's presence for the first time.

"Sorry to interrupt, but do you think it's safe to let your son hold onto that?" Sakura pointed towards the amulet, which was currently lodged in the small child's mouth. Apparently it wasn't edible.

"Oh, sure! Goten's a good boy! He's almost eight now, right, Vegeta?"

Several prominent veins were visible on the shorter man's forehead as he growled out an indecipherable response.

"Hey, I wonder if there's any food around here? I'm starving!"

Naruto perked up at this and took the opportunity to enter the conversation. "There's loads of free food around here!"

"Wow, really? That's great! What kinds?"

Sakura groaned; Sasuke and Kakashi looked equally displeased but were too busy trying to put up a tough facade in front of the dauntingly muscular Saiyans to outwardly react.

After listening to Naruto list in great detail the types of food served at GLaDOS's picnic lunches, Sakura had just about had enough, and was ready to tell him so when she noticed Goten wander off out of the corner of her eye. He appeared to be innocently exploring right up until he took to the air and flew straight into a portal.

Neither of the newcomers noticed his disappearance.

"Uh, Kakarot?" Sakura said hesitantly.

"Kakarot? Oh! My name's Goku."

"Don't listen to him. That's just his human name. His _real _name is Kakarot."

"Right... okay. Goku, Kakarot, whatever. Your son just flew off through a portal. Didn't you even notice?!"

"Eh?" Goku blinked at her.

Vegeta's eyes nearly bulged out of his head. "What? Gods, not again! This is fucking ridiculous!"

"Don't worry about it, Vegeta! Goten'll be fine. He's a natural adventurer, just like his fath-"

Goku's words were cut off as Vegeta fired off a ki blast straight at his head, which he easily deflected into a nearby wall pillar, causing the whole section to explode. Pieces of debris and dust flew everywhere and a high-pitched alarm began going off.

"Vegeta!" Goku chided sternly. "Now look what you've done!"

"SHUT UP! Stop being a terrible father and go find your weakling son already! Argh! I've had it! Fine! I'll go get him myself!" Vegeta blasted off and attempted to fly though the nearest portal before stopping abruptly. He had a pained look on his face, as if he wanted to ask something but couldn't bring himself to do it.

Sakura sighed and pointed in the opposite direction. "He went through that one."

"Of course. I knew that." Three seconds later, Vegeta had vanished through the gateway.

Goku watched him excitedly. "Wait for me, Vegeta! We can work together! Hey, it's too bad Trunks isn't with us, or it'd be just like our monthly camping trip-" The Saiyan's last word was cut off as he followed his two companions through the portal.

Naruto was staring at the portal in awe as the security alarm continued to blare in the background. Half a dozen advanced looking androids were swooping down the hall equipped with dustpans and handheld vacuum cleaners.

"That was awesome!" He finally gushed. "I pick that one!" Naruto pointed towards the gate the three Saiyans had entered earlier.  
**  
**"Where does it lead, exactly?"

Naruto rolled his eyes at Sakura. "Don't know, don't care! Let's go!"

* * *

It was beautiful. No, beautiful wasn't strong enough. Gorgeous. Dazzling. To die for.

"The lush meadows... the bright, clear blue sky, the sparse sprinkles of perfectly formed fluffy cumulus clouds. The faint but cool breeze..!" Sakura sighed wistfully.

"I hope you're not planning on becoming a poet."

"Quiet, Kakashi-sensei. Naruto, where did you say this portal took us, again?"

"I didn't say," Naruto chuckled. "But I guess we'll find-"

"Oh god... what the hell is that thing?!"

"Eh? Sasuke, calm—Oh. Oh man. Sakura, Kakashi-sensei! I think it saw us! What are we gonna do?!"

"There's nowhere to hide," Kakashi tensed. "We'll have to fight our way out."

"Damn, it's almost here."

Naruto was readying a Rasengan when Sakura kicked him in the shin. "Stop it, you idiots! It's just a-"

"Hi guys!" The creature was hopping towards them. "Wow, you don't look like any pony I've ever seen before!"

"-a pony," Sakura finished, glaring at the three of them angrily. "And it talks! That's adorable," she cooed. "Hello to you too! I'm Sakura, and these are my retarded friends."

The pony standing in front of her didn't look like any pony she'd ever seen before, either. To start with, the creature's coat was bright pink, nearly matching the color of Sakura's hair, and its magenta-colored mane poofed out of her scalp.

Naruto hesitantly stepped forward and feigned a sheepish smile in an attempt to appease Sakura. "And I'm Naruto... nice to... meet you?"

The pony's mouth hung open, and her large, bulbous eyes were wide with barely contained excitement—much larger than any pony's had a right to be.

"Who are you? _What _are you? You can't possibly be a pony! I know every pony, and I do mean _every single _pony in Ponyville! So trust me, buster, I've seen a lot of ponies and you, sir, are no pony!"

"You're probably right," Naruto tentatively agreed. "We're humans. And we've never even met a talking pony before. "

"Hu-mans, huh? Hmmm..." She scratched her jaw with one hoof. "Neato! I'm Pinky Pie! You've never met a pony before? Wow! If I've never seen a hu-man and you've never seen a pony, you must be new to Ponyville, and if you're new to Ponyville then you must never have been to Sugarcube Corner, and if you've never been to Sugarcube Corner then you've never tried one of my amazing famously delicious chocolate chip cookies!" Pinky Pie reached from behind her and pulled out a plate filled with warm cookies, apparently fresh out of the oven.

"Surprise! Welcome to Ponyville! You're going to love it here! We're going to have so much amazing awesome fun, more fun than you've ever had in your entire life! Wheee!" As she finished, a cloud of rainbow-colored confetti, streamers, and various types of candy burst from the air.

A purple streamer landed on Sasuke's shoulder and he jumped back, looking legitimately terrified. He attempted to silently plead with Naruto to take them back to GLaDOS headquarters, but Naruto hadn't quite figured out the subtle intricacies of Sasuke's stare-language and assumed he just needed to go to the bathroom or something.

"Stop right there, intruders!"

The group turned to find a lavender colored pony with a bright violet mane making her way towards them. A dozen nearly identical looking armored stallions were following her in two even rows.

"_You!_" The unicorn seethed upon reaching them, her eyes narrow slits. "You're the monsters that nearly blew up all of Canterlot! I'd recognize those gangly limbs and opposable thumbs anywhere!"

Pinky Pie was looking back and forth between the human ninjas and Twilight Sparkle in confusion before also narrowing her eyes menacingly. "Ooooh, I knew it, I knew they were up to no good, Twilight! They tried telling me they were ponies, and I knew something was fishy! They don't even have hooves!"

"What!" Naruto yelled. "No we didn't!"

"But they didn't fool me one bit!" Pinky Pie continued. "Don't worry, Twilight! I'll handle them! Prepare to be brought to justice, fiends!"

"Look, you must be mistaken. We just got here a few minutes ago, and-"

"ENGAGING HOSTILE TARGETS!"

She charged towards Sasuke, which, he later told himself, wouldn't have been nearly as intimidating if her limbs hadn't stretched out to a ridiculous length and if her eyes hadn't turned red—and maybe if she hadn't propelled herself through the air at an impossible speed. Seriously, did the laws of physics mean nothing here?!  
**  
**Substituting himself with a log, Sasuke sprinted towards the nearest line of trees, jumped through the branches and vanished into the distance. Naruto was right behind him, having summoned two clones as a diversion, one of which was leading Pinky Pie towards the opposite section of the forest.

As Naruto's clone passed the first set of trees, Pinky Pie began to slow down before finally halting the chase. "Everfree forest, huh, buddy?! Good riddance! I hope those timberwolves eat you alive!" She stuck out her tongue and hopped off.

The clone waited for her to disappear from sight before breathing a sigh of relief and promptly disappearing.

"Sasuke, wait up! They've stopped chasing us!" Naruto called out after his clone had rejoined him.

Sasuke had already stopped, though, and was pacing furiously back and forth through the forest. "Oooh no. This is _not _happening. I did not just run away screaming from a bunch of ponies. They're _ponies_, for Konoha's sake, what could they possibly have done to us?" Sasuke ranted as Naruto listened silently, entranced by his out of character behavior in spite of the fact that it had happened _at least _a half a dozen times since they started portal hopping.

"Do you think those ponies got 'em?" Naruto asked worriedly, opting to ignore Sasuke's outburst.

"Not likely. Sakura maybe, since she's apparently still useless, but Kakashi is with her.. and he's still as competent as I remember him being. Right?"**  
**

* * *

"Hundreds of ponies without homes! All because of your reckless and stupid behavior! What have you got to say for yourselves?" Twilight Sparkle stomped a hoof on the floor to accentuate her point.

Sakura and Kakashi were both floating in the air above her, magically suspended and held in place by a magenta colored aura. Two sets of kunai and shuriken were floating several feet away from them, completely out of reach.

"Well?" Twilight prompted.

"I've been disarmed by a sentient purple unicorn," Kakashi sighed. "Well, that settles it then, Sakura. I'm retiring and taking up baking."

Sakura was still struggling in vain to free herself from the magical force field. "This is ridiculous."

"Trying to escape is useless!" Twilight Sparkle said viciously, eyes narrowed in contempt.

Sakura looked outraged at this declaration, immediately zoning in on the word 'useless' and disregarding the rest of Twilight's statement. "I am _not _useless, you hear?! I can do plenty of useful things! I'm one of the best medic-nins in the world! I have perfect chakra control! I could rip you in half with one chakra-enhanced punch to the face!"

"But you didn't do that, did you?" Kakashi piped in.

"Well, no. But I _could _have. I just chose not to."

"You never do, do you?" he said wearily.

"Shut up! What's your excuse?!"

"Me? Oh, well, you know how it goes." He continued in a higher-pitched voice, "Oh, that poor old Kakashi. Lived through two wars and 42 S-ranked missions, only to be offed by a group of rabid ponies just _two days _from retirement..."

"Aaarrrgh!"

* * *

"You see them?"

"Yep!"

Naruto and Sasuke were hiding in a tree overlooking Ponyville's town square, eyes focused on the newly deemed incompetent half of Team Seven, engaging in Step One of Mission Rescue Sakura and Kakashi from the Overly Hostile, Mentally Unstable Ponies. Sasuke was grudgingly participating, because, as he found out, no amount of hate-filled threats and emotionless pleas would dissuade Naruto from abandoning their comrades to die.

Kakashi and Sakura were still held prostrate in the air, having been escorted to the town hall at the center of Ponyville. Sakura was currently engaged in a shouting match with Twilight Sparkle—fortunately, Naruto couldn't make out any words—and Kakashi was futilely trying to move his hand towards the book in his back pocket before eventually giving up and closing his eyes.

"Alright, what's Step Two?"

"Step what?" Naruto scratched his head.

"Step two of the plan, idiot!"

"We have a plan? Um. Oh, right! I'll summon an army of clones and attempt to overrun them?"

Sasuke didn't respond.

"Big Ball Rasengan? Regular ol' Rasengan? Rasenshuriken? Chidori? Amaterasu?!"

Sasuke carefully considered each suggestion. They'd all probably result in their teammates being killed in retaliation, or being used as meat shields, or even as bait. He thought about telling Naruto this, but then remembered that he didn't care.

"Sure. I vote for Rasenshuriken." That was the one that'd ruin his chakra channels if he used it too much or something, right? Perfect.

Inwardly, Naruto rolled his eyes, but decided to play along anyway. Clearly Sasuke was a little behind on the times (what with the whole 'Sage Mode' thing). "I don't know, Sasuke... Baa-chan said that was dangerous. Wouldn't a regular Rasengan work?"

"No, Naruto. These ponies are powerful. Too powerful. It's the only way to save the rest of Team Seven."

Naruto's eyes hardened in determination. "You're right."

Just as Naruto was about to power-up, both ninjas halted as they caught sight of something strange in the sky.

"Is that what I think it is, Sasuke?"

A huge, glowing blue ball was rapidly descending towards the town, growing bigger with each passing second. Naruto glanced around wildly and caught sight of two dots in the distance chasing a third dot that was some ways ahead of them.

Remembering the destructive force of a much smaller ki blast, Naruto and Sasuke rushed out of range. Twilight Sparkle released Kakashi and Sakura, who fell to the floor in a heap, and hastily erected a barrier shield just before it hit, successfully encompassing the town square but leaving the rest of Ponyville unprotected. The ensuing collision resulted in a huge explosion, deafening noise, and lots of screaming ponies. Sakura and Kakashi scrambled to their feet and ran, heedless of the hysterical horses running around the town like headless chickens.

"KAKASHI-SENSEI! SAKURA!"

Naruto and Sasuke were darting through the rubble and carnage as a large fleet of armored white ponies went rushing across the bridge, their attention focused on the intruders in the sky.

"I am _so _happy to see you, Naruto," Sakura nearly crashed into him as she hastily latched onto the amulet. "Let's get the hell out of here already."

All in agreement, the group huddled together and vanished moments later, not waiting to see how the final showdown between the trigger-happy aliens and physics-defying ponies would play out.


End file.
